This by far is the most terror associated piece, (besides the Dream Catcher, cia one, Original Gangster Brian, biography.) Mediumship; talking to dead people; I'm hyper aware this will put an unfavorable spotlight on my little head. I'm submerged in politics, rational and haven't gone over the edge.

Are you extremely well versed in the Occult Sciences? If not, you may want to pass this one by. To all Comrades in politics; I'm not claiming anything; I'm reporting a story, as it unfolds. Is Sharon Tenney a cia trap; nothing would surprise me. OTHERWISE- she's talking, seeing, feeling the dead. Period. You be the judge.

Farewell to the Amazon who battled her demons and still loved and helped.

Tattered Kaddish. For all suicides. Adrienne Rich 1989

Praise to life though it crumbled in like a tunnel

on ones we knew and loved.

Praise to life though its windows blew shut

on the breathing room of ones we knew and loved.

Praise to life though it tightened like a knot

on the hearts of ones we thought we knew loved us.

Praise to life giving room and reason

to ones we knew and loved who felt unpraisable.

Praise to them, how they loved it, when they could.

When my best friend Anastasia finally killed herself on Dec. 31, I began an even more earnest search for a medium. We'd been supporting each other; two suicides clinging to one another, she saved me then I saved her but we were on a collision course since we couldn't find solutions to our life long challenges and sooner or later one of us would be gone. One time I slept next to her to keep her alive; then she called me to interpret her Tarot reading, but wouldn't say what the question was; she was in a tub of warm water with a blade on her wrist, which emotionally collapses me and stopped her for the moment.

But when I found her shot, I was driven out of my mind, obsessed with having the last word. Why did I have to find her? I arrived before her 17-year-old daughter with her newborn, sparing her the visuals. I hold the horror of the last image that made me feel victimized and I wanted an apology, since we were abandoned. She dove me into deep dark times, even now, a thought, a song; a location brings down the tears. I wrote 30 letters to spiritualist churches in England and USA with no luck, I ventured out to find a medium, only to have disappointing experiences. It was pathetic as I sat with this drama dripping off my aura; even a light-weight-half-twitted-medium should get something but I got nothing. Wasn't even called upon as I waved my hand desperately. The readings for the audience were weak, general, uneventful; nothing memorable.

            Four years later, Sharon Tenney called; I was on a spiritualist church's mailing list I had written to. My mind clouded over with past memories; lost time, money, hope, so I said, “If you're from the church up north, I was not at all impressed.” She wasn't. We talked for hours, trading psychic experiences, then she offered a free reading but worried I’d be disappointed. I was a hardened cynical seeker because hundreds of times, (300 since 78) I wished for authenticity, not an impostor pretending, weaving falsehoods. 95% of psychics are useless as the reading quickly regresses to a halt if no chitchatting transpires; don't jabber your life story because fake/low level psychics can use any tid bit to mix into the tale. This wasn't a one fit all universally generic foggy channeling or outright BS one. Tenney’s mind twisting 1 hour and 97% accurate reading was two thumbs up; never seen the likes of her; I gave her no personal information about people ever; and neither would she allow me to.

It began with an aura reading that lead to immediate disappointment since I had so many nebulous and dubious aura readings. “I go up and down, yellow and blue in the aura, some violet, large groups of people, creativity, I see the darkness in the past, I see you in and out and in and out of that, I see you hanging in, working on talents and developing them, develop as a Medium, much travel.” All true, since 1969 been in politics, creative; photography, drawing, embroidery, want to be a Medium, been to 23 countries, a troubled past, a reading from Pamala Oslie, also her book, Life Colors, affirms my yellow with blue/violet aura//with red overlay. I was still in awe with this, when a dude made his presence known. “Insisted I knew him, worked with youth, gave me a bracelet. He didn't want to go away till I remembered; although I worked with youth he's still a mystery. (Might be W. Guzman??)

My maternal grandma kept trying to come through. “Your paternal grandfather is short, well known, sophisticated, was all over the place, knew many people, had money, but mostly had contact with money, bright, had knowledge of different things; looks nice, wore suits, vest, gray suit, light colored; brown hair, straight, he does magic tricks, he's doing something fast with his hands, like cards.” (She's shuffling cards.) Loves animals, brings a dog on a leash, dark long fur, long tail, little ears, brownish/black color.” My dad's beloved childhood dog! Grandpa, Juan Bautista Loneres, was a full-blooded Filipino, professional card gambler, who wore light-colored suits, gambled with cops and others who had money. I was excited, bewildered, stupefied; regardless of my negative psychic ventures, having lost total hope in psychics, I was caught off guard, my mind couldn't grasp it, I was swirling. Could it be him? If she says the ONE word I need to hear, I’ll be a zealot, a devotee, a true believer, I will testify from rooftops, if only she'd say trains; I screamed the word silently, say trains and I will believe. “TRAINS, he's on trains, he travels a lot.” Too much enlightenment landed on me at once; such a tiny word, but with so much meaning to my Filipina history, it was Grandpa after 300 tries, finally an Ancestor arrived; I crashed into bigger realities, too much reality; beliefs torn asunder, crumbled as I came into an expanded existence; for back then in the day, Filipinos didn't have access to many job opportunities; be a servant, an orderly, serve whites. He rode the rails as an orderly, until he said screw serving the white man, and became a gambler. Doing something with his feet, dancer, moving feet a lot, on his feet a lot, wing tipped shoes, multi-colored, not one color; a watch, proud of it, a gift to him, its somehow significant, wife, housewife, strong woman, he brings me and dad flowers.  Fancy Dancer, a Cool Cat, all true. “Vera? A flowers name? Violet? There's a tree nearby, this tree meant something to them. My dad doesn't know what all that was. Writing, newspapers, his friend, his buddy, the short one was with him.” Grandpa's best friend.

“Heavy, not skinny, not fat, no waist, short, hair pulled back, gray comb, jewelry box, personal, old, giving to her, personal letters.” At another occasion about my Maternal Grandma, “She was elegant, different, moved a lot and married a stern man. Mean to her.” I asked how she died. “No, it was a family secret, come at another time, privately.” She was elegant, sewed elaborate embroidery, dressed well, a suffragette, during the depression they were poor; they didn't unload the wood barrels full of their possessions, when rent was due, they moved. Married, tattoos and all, to a violent brute who got kicked out of the Navy, for telling the foreman to tell the Captain to shove the ship up his ass. At another reading, “She had suffered at the hands of an institution, a building where she was put, her death was a conspiracy, and not what it appeared to be to the public. She wanted me to know I was not mentally ill, and it was not a chemical imbalance, but environmental. She was upset at mom, and that she off beat, implied like she was lost, sidetracked. Your mother is going to shock you in a few days in regards to the home where you're in; I was going to be taken out of the will. She evicted me.

“Odd, handsome, face has been marred, scared, burn, weird, disfigured, Accident? Not normal, crashed into something, impact, going into something, neck affected? Broken? Impact, unusual, fell down something? Rocks? Solid, concrete. Fell from a building! Fell out of a building onto concrete! Rock, stone. It wasn't suicide, its an accident; he accidentally lost his footing, lost balance. Funny sense of humor, he's said as he left his body, he's almost laughing about it, comical, “Oh my God, I can't believe I went this way; par of course, for me, figure me, Id go this way, other people go that way, I went this way. Your father didn't understand, he was angrier about my death then saddened. He blames his brother, tell him it was an accident, and don't be angry, it was an accident, not married, odd, gay.” At another time she said his name was David. He was humorous. Gay? I always thought so. When Uncle David fell from his apartment, the witnesses had different stories, we thought he was murdered, but he also had money problems; suicide? When my father arrived from Kenya, his brother's “friends” had stolen most of his treasures, and John raged more then showed sadness.

“But your not here for your family, your here for your best friend. Give me her name. She didn't know why I was there. Anastasia. “She was very chemically imbalanced, outspoken, I can't see how she died. Did she shoot herself? I see blood. Anastasia says, “You were the one who tried the longest to understand.” She tried everything, nothing worked, she was miserable. “I am sorry I victimized you, I apologize, thank you. You truly understood, really understood why I killed myself. I'm really sorry that this happened, I tried everything, I should have figured out a better way to do it; I should have taken the pills!” All true, outspoken politically and personally. I tried to save her from the beginning; she did pills before when she tried to alleviate her tortured self; schizophrenic, paranoid, manic-depressive, suicidal and homicidal. She was much more then her turbulence; she was one of the most incredible woman I ever met; she was deep, loving, kind, a vegan, a gardener, brilliantly smart, funny, sexy, political, single mom, in recovery, pagan, survivor of many tragedies; but her contact with destructive men in her life had destroyed her moorings; she had a dark shadow, her somber stygian darkness eclipsed cyclically. She apologized for victimizing me, saying she should have taken the pills since it would have been better; not better for her, pills or gun same outcome, dead and gone, but better for those who saw. She had argued with her boyfriend who was still overseas. He called me to tell me that Anastasia had hung up on him, could I call to calm her down. I called and called from my new job; I knew it would look bad to leave my new job so soon on an emergency. But the line was busy, I needed to go down town, because I was one of the only ones to cool her down, and I knew she came packing a piece, she had planned to kill me once before when she was having a psychotic break; when she was falling into madness; and she had plotted for months to kill her x-husband; I did not snitch on her because she would have been under observation, let out, and I knew her; she would have seen it as betrayal, the world betrayed her; then I would never be able to talk her down, which I did, it took hundreds of hours throughout the months, sometimes 8 hours a day on the phone; when the opportunity came to move abroad I encouraged her, which saved the husband but ultimately was to cause one more horror to fall into her life and it brought her closer to her undoing. I had half a chance of disarming her, if a cop showed up, she would have gone out in a showdown, so I ventured to my potential death; I had no children and even though I did not care for cops, she might shoot one who had children. So I left work, and looked for her new home I had not been to. When I arrived her car door was open. I did not know which house to go to, I called out to her but there was no answer, so I looked around. Then decided to go into one house; I made my way in to the living room cautiously, knowing I could be arrested, or shot for entering premises unwelcomed. No one was there, but as I was leaving, I passed a door, and I though I heard dripping water. I put my hand on the door and pushed it open slowly. I immediately saw Anastasia, whom I thought was rejoicing at first because her mouth was wide open, and her head swung back as if in a hearty laugh; like so many laughs we had had together. She was leaning up against her little sofa, well dressed, and sitting on the floor with the gun she had bought from Outdoor World off the Pacific Mall in Santa Cruz. She had told her lover, that she had something for him that he would remember forever. She ran to her car, got her gun, came back and said remember this, and shot herself while she was still on the phone. Yes she was 100 percent right, he will remember forever and so will I. I witnessed the wreckage and pills would have been less colorfully graphic. I unraveled as the shock wave knocked me down on my knees where I went crazily into my own madness and howled, as I kept looking around the room frantically for the VCR player to take out the video. I was breaking contact with reality; I felt myself slipping into insanity; losing my grip on my mind; it was a video I was watching, it was a nightmare, Id wake up; this couldn't be, but when I realized it wasn't a video, dream, LSD flashback, everything became bright; reality came in slow motion as if wading through molasses. Deranged I ran out and screeched to the clouded sky, 411, get 411. (I meant 911, but wanted the 411.) A forever reminder of Anastasia, are those December clouds, flat and thin, ribbed waves, high up and lots of them. The cops pried me from her because I held on to her body as long as I could. Flooded with anguished agony, I took my 10 years in karate and kicked the house systematically until I destroyed my purple Converse high tops as I told myself if I could only focus the rage through my feet, I could hang on to my sanity, I could possible live past this minute, this hour, this day, this week, this month, this year, but it was always with me 24/7, if I had my eyes open or shut, the image was blasted in deep; it was like a fucking nuclear flash which left her marked shadow outline to permeate my entire life; I couldn't shake it, I had no relief for months, even today, ten years later I can close my eyes and see it; it will never be washed away; I used to scream to her once she was gone- you actually outdid my childhood. Now, when something exceptionally bad is happening to me, I tell her as I am sobbing, see what you missed. She was my confidant. Without you, side-by-side after 15 years, you caused high drama, girl. It was later I found out what finally took her down, and they are on a Hex list; if I find no value or progress on the light path, I will avenge her, her enemies will have nowhere to hide, I will hunt them down. I don't seem to be able to do effective white witchcraft, but I was good at hexing, I had dropped out of a Dianic Coven in the early 1980’s because I feared karmic retribution on my head; then I became a goody goody, I became a follower of Christ, my Savior, but so far He has been unavailable in my life. I love Him and I seek but I have not found Him. I am willing to take the karmic consequences when I retaliate. My witch name was Hecate and she represents retaliation against predators of women and children; anyone in witchcraft knows of Her, the Dark Goddess of the Underworld, Witchcraft and the Crossroads. Her Sacred day is still celebrated as Halloween.

Anastasia said, “I wasn't in the state to understand when you tried to help me, but now I am. I know, you tried to save me; I didn't want to be saved. Funny, you were trying to teach me about higher things, higher guides, I couldn't hear it at the time, it didn't matter to me at the time, you tried to teach me. Now I appreciate that you tried. All true, she liked the saucy witchy hexing, and not that I hadn't placed a few deserving hex's myself, but I thought I had transcended onto Christ and Edgar Cayce. I was on a new adventure and I wanted Anastasia to leave witchcraft. I haven't met anyone yet, no hook ups, I don't have any contacts, Master teachers; I'm still in the process of doing my own stuff, but I'm going to look for them to help you. Apparently she really wanted you to know this, clear? You wondering about that, she's not the one to hook you up. She saw my wailing's; my secret abyss dark night of the soul meltdown prayers lasting hours; treacherous zones of tears or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder inheritance from younger days spiraling me down to a heap. The onslaught of flooded feelings, images flash; floodgates looming down hell's torments, alone, I pleaded to Anastasia about mans ways; bankruptcy of the patriarchies orgies of death, various genocide's, devastation of females and children globally, ecocide crushing down; ozone, greenhouse, deforestation, extermination of species, weapons, with apathetics standing by as we destroy it all for the 30 million other species. Addicted to escape, TV, sports, shopping, all trappings of debauchery, sloth, as the majority of the globe starve on $1 a day. It's catastrophically suicidally depressing and humans don't care, did spirit care? I sought council; begging Anastasia for mercy, help; pal and pagan, outspoken and aggressive, dead and more able to get the help, I called to her for our salvation since we are under the rule of the kakistocracy (ruled by the most unqualified, unprincipled, unscrupulous in society.) I said find Jesus, go find Jesus. “I didn't know anyone while I was alive and I do not know anyone now that I am dead, but I will try to get you help. I know you thought it was the wrong thing for me to do, but for me, it was what I had to do, I am at peace, I want you to know that I also don't advise it for anyone else.” I thought she found peace, serenity, it was so welcoming, I wanted peace too so I asked in my mind, should I follow you Anastasia? Can I come home too?” She responded instantaneously to me, “NO! It's really not a good choice, but for myself it was… later she said, I should not have done it, my soul is different now, I don't carry the mental problems that plagued me. I should have ridden through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.” I said out loud, its an oncoming train.  “No! No! There's hope,” she said loudly, “I created another karmic debt. You don't want to do it. I'm not a Master, but I can tell you that.” I said, “you should have suffered with the rest of us, here.”  “You want to know more about what's going on over there, I know what's going on beyond to a point, but not much more, I'm still learning. An older female is with Anastasia, she's not alone, children, siblings. She's concerned with a group of three, all three hung out, one is on the verge of suicide. Cloths she wore when she killed herself, to verify it is she. A little jacket, straps, brownish, silky, plain. Classy. No necklace.”

Tweaking on many levels, skidding, veering, swerving on fragile ground, I was trying to digest all of this…...

“I don't believe in this, but I must say what I see, on the right side, peripheral vision, approaches a man. He stops in front of me. A man with green leaves all around his face. A Druid?” He says, “I am of the Earth.” Another person approaching her from the other side and stands in front of Sharon. “I am The Goddess of the Stars, I carry a Rigid Cross, holds up something with a circle with a cross. The male and the female principal, the joining of the two, the Libra theme.”  They say together, “I am of the Earth. You are of the Earth. We are of the Earth. All this Darkness, together, to be balanced by the Earth. Earth Balance. The problem, the brick wall. You keep yourself back, you self sabotage. You asked us why the obstacles, the roadblocks? Driving to the reading, I sent out a cry to whomever to barge in, since Sharon does not believe in spirit guides. Why am I held up? What are the obstacles and roadblocks? “The reason for the road block and obstacles; things have occurred in your past; you have built surrounding yourself a brick wall. By concentrating and putting all your energy into one brick, removing it, you will have powers. A small hole will allow light to shine in. You will be healed and have powers beyond your imagination. Powers to heal. Put all your energy into removing one brick, the light will shine in. You will be healed.” I'm thinking to myself, what Sharon simultaneously asks, “but how will she do this? Not sure, something about a ritual. You know someone now, a man, he is tall, skinny, dark cloths, facial hair, then no facial hair, does something very odd with his hair on his head, does ritual, wears a cloak when he does ritual. A ritual of turning rock to sand, its a metaphor, rock to sand, he will be the one to help you. You then will have the power; go do this. Then we will talk again.”

            What a wild emotional roller coaster ride, my brain was swerving all over the place; I didn't know if guides existed, if they did they didn't seem to care about me, always was fully alone, no guidance, divine intervention as I out maneuvered rapists, predators, undercover agents. I'm not saying I'm Mary Magdalene or Cinderella, I am reporting the research chronologically along with the meanings and mythology associated with my names. I seriously thought about deleting the last part of the reading since it is too far out for the average human, me included, seems psychotic, cuckoo, pure insanity. This will lead to ridicule, make people think I went preposterously off the deep end. Problem is, its what came through. The first part of the reading was so accurate, was this a break in the accuracy? I've witnessed her do 30 consistently accurate readings. Or is Sharon Tenney an agent of the establishment, some CIA trap to ultimately discredit my political aspirations, by making me look really crazy? Once I look whacked out, I loose my credibility, when I loose credibility I'm useless as a political animal; that will be the end of my life purpose of service and then there will not be much to live for. They say Author Ford, the most famous medium, after a car crash and addiction to the bottle and drugs cheated. There are many ways to fool seekers; that does seem more likely then her bringing in the dead, then again as hard as it is for this communist pinko to accept, could it be Sharon talked to my dead loved ones?

A year later when was looking at Raven Grimassi’s books on Italian Witchcraft, Stregheria I saw a man with leaves all over his face. Could it be his female counterpart is the Star Goddess, the likelihood was very slim. Had I come in contact with swirling massive galactic forces? And there she was, the Great Star Goddess who is the Lady of the Earth. Queen of Heaven, Queen of all Witches, Goddess of Moon and of the Night, Wanderer of the Dark Heavens, Mystery of the Mysteries. On earth she's Fana, Goddess of the Forest and Wildlife, in heaven, she's Diana, Goddess of the Moon; of the poor, outcasts, slaves and oppressed. She is Tana, first Born of All Goddesses, The Star Goddess, and Ruler of the Universe, She who is all Goddesses. The leafy guy, the hooded one is the GreenMan, Lord of the Earth, Lord of the Forest and Wildlife, Lord of Vegetation, Lord of GreenWood, Lord of Harvest; hooded in green, covered and obscured with foliage, he always watches and is the spirit of the land, manifesting as plants and a symbol of hope, representing the unity which must be preserved, linking the two worlds between humans and the forces of Nature. The Star Goddess and Greenman balance each other, male and female, the Libra theme; the creators and maintainers of the Universe.

They were Lady and Lord of the Earth, but what did you, are of the Earth mean, me individually, or me as a generic human or us as a species? Fana is the only other Lady of the Earth, in Stregheria; the Goddess of Forest and Wildlife, Queen of all Fairies and her festival is December 19, which is my birthday, but I still don't know what you are of the earth represents.

By chance came upon, The Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets by Barbara G. Walker. Ella is the root of Cinderella, a pagan fairy tale of the cinder maid, the burned one. Originated as an anti ecclesiastical allegory. Ella was Hel or Helle, who is daughter of Mother Earth, The Goddess with her regenerative fires reduced to cinder. The stepmother represents the new church; the mean stepsisters are the military, the rich and the clergy. Under their cruelty Ella survives; nature and animals love her as she loves them. She's forsaken by humans and in desperate desolation cries, (in the video) “The dreams almost dead, its just no use, no use at all, I can't believe, not anymore, there is nothing left to believe in.” Spirit responds, “No matter how hard your heart is grieving if you keep believing, your wish will come true.” Anguished, she prays to her real mother, the earth, the Fairy Godmother, who really is the Great Goddess although dead and underground she hears her daughter's wails. The Goddess sends from the grave a Fairy Tree, which gives green apples, fine cloths and other gifts. With these treasures she wins over the prince, (mankind.) Their union symbolized by fitting her foot into a shoe is a common sexual allegory. The Hieros Gamos. The Eleusinian mysteries signified sacred marriage by working a phallic object in a woman's shoe, the joining of male and female; the Libra theme. The downfall of the stepmother/patriarchy and stepsisters military killing machine/death squads, the greedy rich and child molesting clergy may have been intended as a secret medieval prophecy.

I thought that was interesting, so I decided to do some Web surfing, numerous books and Cinderella videos later nets that Ella represents a woman whose merits have not been recognized but who achieves sudden success and recognition; suffers undeserved neglect, overworked, friendless, forsaken, gets less then she deserves, then lifted from obscurity to honor when a fairy or supernatural being intervenes on her behalf. My names: Ella- all, other, entirely, completed by God, shinny light, the bright one, light torch, girl of God, she, torch, elf girl, elf friend, beautiful fairy, gift of the elf, elfin, supernatural loveliness, bright beautiful, fanciful light, little virgin, and excellent needle woman. El-to wander, to go before. Bautista- baptize, to dip, God is gracious, gift of God, St. John the Baptist who prepared the way for Christ. De La Cruz- of the cross, cross bearer, cross of the crucifixion. Benedetti-to bless, blessed.

By another coincidence came upon “The Woman With the Alabaster Jar, Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail.” by Margaret Starbird. Ella or the Cinder Maid, with soot on her face; the burned and outcast one. The medieval tale of Cinderella who was the Black Bride, the Black Madonna, Black Virgin and ultimately Mary Magdalene. The forsaken and dispossessed female searching for the bridegroom Jesus. The foreigner. The joining of the male and female in the cosmic dance; when the restoration of the Holy Grail/Magdalene is joined by her male counterpart, Jesus in Sacred Marriage, and then the wasteland is healed. Magdalene and Jesus’ symbols together form the Hexagram, the symbol of the Hieros Gamos, the balance of the energies, the Libra theme. (Ella-Magdalene and my brother name is Chris-Christ.)

GreenMan/Star Goddess, Cinderella/the Prince, Mary/Jesus represent the Hieros Gamos, the Sacred Marriage, Libra, the balance of the universe, the Cosmic Dance of Opposites, partnership, wholeness. The Hexagram; downward triangle-female and upward pointing triangle male, Solomon's Seal, the Shield of David, and Star of Universal Love. Add into this labyrinth search for meanings, I have a Galactic Hexagram Rigid Mirror Configuration in my astrology chart which is considered to be astounding when one considers the varying rates of movements of the 6 planets involved. One Yod, (Finger of God) a Triangulation, Grand Cross, 2 T-Squares, Chiron conjunct Venus Midheaven in Aquarius, born at the Galactic Center, 27 Sagittarius. Its very, very rare to have complex configuration of 4 or more planets aspecting to form a pattern. A rare simian line on my palms; also a Vedic palmist said my palm prints meant stigmata. Tarot: hermit, isolation, withdraw, inner work, quest, reunite to source, answers within; is all this alone time teaching me or is my being slowly getting ground down to dust with a 17 year illness; friends vanish; mate gone, minimal support, poverty, no community; dark night of the soul? Dark lifetime of the soul, an outcast in desolate bleakness.

            My plea drew the Star Goddess and GreenMan; they arrived and advised about unraveling the healing gift; went 3 times to the ritual guy in the reading; I was in his coven for 2 years, professed vows till death; hold the point of a knife to the heart and swear to be loyal even if tortured; but he turned out to be a twister of the truth and said, we knew you wanted to belong so we rejected you; other crazy mind games unfamiliar to my nature; something I thought was worthy was really brown, warm, stinky; a sham and unredeemable shoddy leech who lives off women, strumming his guitar; a dead end mirage who will not even pay child support who shredded my trust.

My Ancestor dropped in, overcame suicide, more valuable then gems, jewels or gold. Understand, I voted communist at 18, an atheist non-believer because the me, mine and I movement, gazing at their belly buttons was escapist fluff detracting from the working class’ imminent revolution. The spiritual realms were opiates of the people, what folks put in their pipes to escape the real work. But even the dog lives on. Lifetime questions came to an end. Jesus, The Master, servant of the poor, is he there? Malcolm X? Che? Joan of Arc? Geronimo? Salvador Allende? Its be born, die and go on the evolutionary path. Anastasia went first, the wreckage, shocked waved me awake, nevertheless hearing is one thing, to come upon her; the image was seared on my heart cells, but still the danger of my suicide loomed; started at age 12, with 8 attempts, I was bent on suicide; only death would alleviate the pain I held. Anastasia repeatedly saved my life and came back to save me again. Suicide will bring joy to enemies and leave the beloved earth and animals I love and must protect. Anyway being political is a form of suicide; taking a stand is saying no to corporate conglomerates/military complex/war machine which will put into motion forces that will do all to crush and kill you, send in snitches by the ton, ferment gang warfare, fly in weapons, drugs, spread crack and poisons at every turn on the path, using every type of weaponry; our enemies use all manner of destruction, chaos, death and evilness. It is a hard enough battle staying alive seeing what we are doing blow by blow to the living, enough to drive anyone who cares into a flattened and leveled condition of deep inconsolable lamentation.

Anastasia: mother, lover, fully savoring passionately and fiercely of life's gifts while seeking joy in a crazy world. Get help, the planets facing Bush's, psychotic born-again delusion fancying themselves raptured to heaven while the rest get death by brimstone/nuclear holocaust in the name of Christ the Peacemaker. Bush and Co believes they must drop A-bombs for Jesus’ return, otherwise he won't come. We have 7 billion insanely ravagingly eating our own, pillaging, defecating in our nest; no earth equals no life, simple, elemental. What you love you protect if you got balls/ovaries. Sister, get Christ, round up the Archangels to stop the slayers hand in time to save our home; this is my boon I send forth to the invisible realms, help our miserable souls take action for the salvation of all sentient beings and our dear beloved Earth. “When the Earth has been ravaged and the animals are dying, a tribe of people from all races and colors will put their faith in deeds, not words to make the land green again. They will be called Warriors of the Rainbow, the protectors of the environment.” Cree prophesy.

Let the Warriors step forward. Heal the wasteland.

Farewell, Anastasia may there always be peace between us.

Meet me when it's my turn. May The Great Mystery bless your journey home.

Yes my beloved the flowers bow as you stroll by. The Circle is open, but never broken.

Merry meet, Merry part, Merry meet again. The Circle remains unbroken. Be Well. Blessed be.   I sing these to you still, girl.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now I see.

Where’re you walk, cool gates shall fan the glade,

Trees where you sit, shall crowd into a shade tree

Where you sit shall crowd in to a shade. Wher e’ver you tread, the blushing flow’rs

Shall rise and things flourish And all things flourish,

Wher e’er you turn your eyes, Wher e’er you turn your eyes.             December 19 2007

Testimonials to Sharon Tenney’s Mediumship

For five hours, eight friends tested Sharon Tenney’s skills as a Medium. Wowed by my reading, I wanted to see how consistently accurate she was. Took notes, taping doesn't work well. Italicized is the reading, bold is 100% accuracy.

Commentary She said he was adopted described his brute, cruel, military father. He was to charge ahead like a horse. He is stalled. Red hat. Sharon said she saw a black and white negative with the only color being the red hat. The papers! Then came the messages after all the verifications were acknowledged. He was brought into his dad's life purpose, not his own. 42 years of Martial Arts was his dads doing. When other boys were out having a normal life; football and such things boys do, he was under the iron fist of his military-type-father who drilling and developing him into a soldier, beginning at age 7. He was off course; he was not living his astrological chart/life purpose. If your not abiding by your chart, doing what you're here to do, you are missing the boat.

Commentary: Debra said, “Two weeks after the reading, the shit hit the fan. And hasn't stopped. Its calm now. Everything is accurate. There was a couple of things I didn't know because I don't know my families history very well. 97% accurate, the rest is probably true I just don’t know it. The famine and the disease; grandmother was from a very poor Texas family. Grandmother was Italian. Everything was right about my Grandfather, he was rigid, and he had the tie around his neck. Grandmother stuff was all right. The cat was right. I am worried about this cancer thing. My friend just got over cancer and is taking a lot of pills, is depressed and is 40 years old.” Debra owns a horse, has a son, she was robbed, lost jewelry. Red dress was significant.

Commentary: 95% accurate. This was her best friend, a wild one who loved to dance. She would toss her hair affectionately. Catwoman had a dress called old smoky, she wore to go dancing with this friend. “Mother.” The cherries. What Catwoman had to say when people asked about the red stains on her blouse? They were from eating cherries she'd have to say. But it was blood from a smashed mouth. My friend had a traumatized life. She was so severely beaten, after way too many times, the State finally took her and her sister into foster care. I invited her to Sharon's because she was in need of something, desperately.  She was going in a dark period in her life. She was depressed, suicidal. Her best friend would cheer her on when she was suicidal, came back to champion her on. Catwoman said, “I was really taken back and amazed. I was elated, happy to know she was OK and she has her old dance partner again, her first husband. I was elated. I have no doubt, it was my best friend. Glad I went.”

Commentary:    I said Id pass since there was a full house, but Grandma came again. I had a private reading when Grandma kept swooping in and out but couldn't land. All true. She was elegant. A proud suffragette activist with fine cloths. Moved during the Depression. They kept their possessions in big wooden barrels and when the rent was due, they moved. They didn't even unpack. They moved plenty. She was married to a brute, stern man. We are not sure how she died. It's a family Mystery.

“Dark robe? Ancient Texts, parchments, old? Seaside?  Whose from Seaside?” The reading cut short. It went to Suzy, who lived in Seaside

Commentary:  Don't push your will on the medium, apparently it pisses spirit off.  Especially if everyone will get their chance in the group, anyway. If true, acknowledged it to be so. The only one not happy with her reading. She came for her fiancée who died young and tragically. All in the reading but still said it was worthless. I think that was so because she had just had a reading from George Anderson for $1000, so she seemed to be invested in proving Tenney wrong, cause she cost $15. She fought Spirit, no this, no that. No. No. No. She pulled and mentally commanding her over, although all were going to have a spin, she wouldn't wait. Spirit chopped her off and went to Suzy.

Commentary: She felt her reading was very accurate. She's a Pagan. Worships the Goddess. Everything on the parents was accurate. She worships Goddess Hathor.

Commentary: Speak up. Tess was too quite, not vocal enough for Sharon to hook on. Her Grandfather lived in France and a second place too, did several years of travel. She wears her Grandfather's stones in a wedding ring she created and still wears. The stones were bought in England they may have been from a pendent of the masons?

Commentary:  Greet spirit even if you hate them. He refused to greet his dad. Metal from hat was on Thomas dashboard. Dad wouldn't leave until Thomas greeted. Thomas refused to acknowledge.

Commentary Speak up. Her boy had died.

Also Saturn (Hardships) in 7^th house (relationships or open enemies) sextile (Ease) Venus (Women) in the 9^th house. (Higher Teachings.) Hardships thru relationships & open enemies has eased my way to women and to teach of her ways.

Moon 27 Aquarius in the 10^th house sextile Sun 27 degrees Sagittarius in the 8^th house conjunct Mercury in 5 degrees Capricorn inconjunct Uranus at 1 degree Leo in the 4^th house. Point of resolution: 27 Capricorn or Venus 24 degrees Capricorn. The Goddess is the answer. Teaching (9^th house) of Women's (Venus) Authority (Capricorn.) Midpoint of Moon and Sun. “Where blessings come, (Aquarius) attunement to cosmos for all (Aquarian) to learn of Her. (Venus- most elevated planet, six degrees from Midheaven at 1 degree Aquarius, and at 2 Aquarius is Chiron; The healer, The Shaman, The Warrior who taught brutes to be honorable warriors with a code of honor.

Astrology Conference

In 1994, there was an Astrology conference in Monterey, with hundreds of astrologers from all over the planet, but I did not have the money to go, so I asked if I could do a photography trade for the entrance fee. I slept on the floor and hardly ate for 5 days, but it was well worth it. The reason I went to the conference was I wanted to gossip with other Vedic astrologers to see what they felt about Chakrapani Ullal a Vedic astrologer who had given me a reading and I wanted to know if he was the real deal. I talked to many people and everyone said he was the best; if he predicts it, it would come to pass. In fact, he was one of the keynote speakers. He was internationally known.

The second night I found myself by a table covered with food. Between photography I was devouring whatever food I could find; it was only at night I could eat, since I didn't have money for food. There at the table with the white chocolate covered strawberries, and Champaign I saw an older man standing there eating. I decided to venture over and ask if he was an astrologer. Yes he was. I asked if I could tell him about my chart. Sure he said. I explained my chart. He said, “No way. You're an armature you wouldn't know.” So I explained the chart slower, with the degrees. He was hooked. Then he said  "Most people will not recognize you, but your are an angel, a savior. Only astrologers with 30 plus years would be able to read your chart. He then commanded me to get a print out of my chart. He then throughout the rest of the conference kept in contact with me. He said he was an astrologers astrologer. Meaning he was a master astrologer, teaching other professional astrologers.

Key Words for Astrology  Hajo Banzhaf and Anna Haebler

Sagittarius, the archer. (Chiron, co-ruler is the wounded healer, shaman and the one who teaches brutes to become principled warriors.) The High Priestess. The citizen of the world. Always striving for higher things. Motivation: the search for meaning. Task in life, proclaiming the meaning and guiding. Strives for truth, justice, ideals, and religious convictions, expanding horizons, outer and inner, drive for meaning, high values. The self motivated person likes to achieve, inspire and motivated. Noble convictions, guided by respect, love and reverence for humanity and creation. Incapable of setting limits, fearfully concerned with outward appearances, sensitive to criticism, talkative and doesn't want to disappoint anyone in any way, shape or form.

Moon in Aquarius. The individualist. As a child, the little princess, flees the nest and makes her own way in the world at an early age. A stranger in the world. Often feels she doesn't belong to the family or to the world. Loner, original, self-sufficient, feels at home nowhere and a victim of own compulsive idea of freedom.

Mercury in Capricorn. Profound serious love. Enduring love. Reliable, responsible and faithful. Hardened love. Loaded with complexes, inhibited, morose, cold and will even dispense with love.

Mars in Scorpio. Dignity. The effective person can mobilize great amounts of spiritual power, ambitious, persevering, consistent, single-minded, very tough stamina. The destroyer, self-destructive, vindictive, wants revenge. The irresistible, the black knight. Passionate. Spiritually important decisions are made emotionally which are reliable and lasting, sometimes extreme. Outlets, sex and martial arts.

Uranus in Leo. Free development of personality and individual happiness in life.

Moon sextile Mercury. (Mercury) interplay of thinking and (Moon) feeling. Interpreting dreams. Graphic manner of expression.

Moon opposite Pluto. Depths of the soul, power, healing, transforming, fascinating. (Moon) Longing for what is hidden and the forbidden (Pluto). Desire or thirst (Moon) for power (Pluto.) Deepest transformation (Pluto) through feelings (Moon) and/or emotional suffering (Moon.) Feelings (Moon) of Power (Pluto.) Extreme (Pluto) emotions (Moon.) The urge (Moon) to go into the depths (Pluto.) The spy. Enormous, lasting sometimes fanatic urge to keep going in a certain direction once it has been decided on. Airs secrets, breaks taboos and spies on things that are hidden and forbidden. Delving into the depths of ones own feelings with fear/fascination in order to explore one's self, ones own motives and drives, as well as those of other people. Great powers of the soul.

Jupiter conjunct Pluto. The Alchemical Black Gold. The High Priest and the Sorcerer. The Shaman, magic, Deep reaching transformation for the better. Ability for psychological and spiritual transformation and renewal. Healing power. Having a sense of everything deep and profound.

Neptune sextile Pluto. Spiritual powers. The mystic and the Shaman. Dissolution of power structures. Demographically unleashed mass currents. Powers of the soul, mediumistic powers. Power of healing. Being inspired from forces from the depths.

Please support these astrologers, they have wonderful books, and do wonderful readings. I plan to get a personal reading from Mr. Forest. I still find the computer charts to give me nuggets to chew on.

Sun. Selfhood. Sagittarius. The Gypsy, the Scholar, the Philosopher. Trying to come to terms with cosmic law. Grasp the meaning and purpose of life. The houses are the 12 areas in life. An element of fate in our house structures; the hand of God continually presents us with existential and moral questions connected with our emphasized houses.

The 8^{th house}. Sexuality, Death, and Occult. The Sun in the 8^th house, you can't learn what you've come into the world to learn without the catalytic effect of lover upon you… and whether or not you and that lover are married is irrelevant. The points that many of your deepest lessons lie in the steamy realm of committed sexual intimacy…You can realize your destiny, which is to live with absolute intensity and unwavering honesty, stemming from a feeling for life's fragility and preciousness.

Luna or Moon, magical emotional side of your psyche. Moon in Aquarius the sign of geniuses and criminals. Individuation, being yourself, odd, alienation, ostracism, outsiders. From the evolutionary viewpoint, you are developing the ability to be true to your own instincts about what's going on inside you. In the 10^th house. Community, what she does in the community. They point out parts of your own character that need to be developed to a radical degree before your mission coalesces before your eyes. Moon in the 10^th house, your “cosmic job description” is lunar in tone. You were born to play the role of healer, nurturer, or imaginer in the human family, counselor, physician, heal the soul of the community, ministers, novelists.

Ascendant, how I present myself, my style, my mask. It symbolizes a way you can help yourself feel centered, at ease, comfortable with whom you are. Your style hooks you into the world of experience in a way that feeds your spirit exactly the kinds of events and relationships you need. Your soul is charged with more enthusiasm for the life you're living, and you feel vibrant, confident and full of animal grace. The Naturalist. Ease, calm, naturalness, silence. The part of you that's learning the lessons of the Bull is getting more grounded, more present, more receptive to immediate reality. Feed your Taurus gardening, music, cloths, animals, and nature. Earthy and solid.

Mercury in Capricorn. Winter clear logic, precision, clarity, mental discipline. Messenger of the Gods 8th house, your intelligence is exploring the realm of mystery. Taboo, hidden and dark. occupying your

6^th house. Soul lessons. Crafts, responsibility competence, useful. The trick lies in finding the right crafts, skills and responsibilities. Mars in the 6^th. War God. Power of the Will. Assertiveness. Courage. Where your Mars lies, you are challenged to find the Spiritual Warrior inside yourself, the part of you that's brave and clear enough to claim your own path and follow it. Mars is burning in Scorpio. Passionate intensity simmers in your heart, glows in your eyes. The Warrior within you is crawling through psychic labyrinths, bursting through easy lies, ripping away the social veneer that covers the staggering truths of life. Spiritually we can add one element to your inner search, you need to find a handful of people who can handle the full power of your passion and reflect it back to you.

With the War God occupying your 6^th house, a piece of your destiny pattern is that you draw to yourself kinds of work that are inherently competitive, even if you yourself aren't really that way. Assertiveness, and personal power in the work environment, and that may mean in our job, or in whatever nonprofessional responsibilities life thrusts upon you.

Neptune in 6^th house. This is the planet of trance, meditation, dreams, and a critical spiritual catalyst for you. Neptune was passing through Libra. Thus, to trigger higher states of consciousness in yourself and to stimulate your psychic development, you may choose to follow the Path of the Lover…that is consciously, intentionally to seek life partners who'll hold the mirror of the soul before you. Without the purifying, soul bleaching effects of dialog with these soul mates, you tend to drift away from Spirit, losing yourself in the mazes of daily life. But remember; finding them usually isn't the challenge. The challenge lies in hanging in there with them, listening and learning, even when you don't like what's reflected in the ‘ soul mirror.” Neptune planet of transcendence, in 6^th, where mystical dimensions become linked to your natural skills and instincts for service. Service more than any other spiritual discipline, teaches us humility and compassion. You have a special instinct for working directly with others peoples unconscious minds. This may mean you were born to help others unravel their dreams, or that you should work with guided imagery or with hypnosis.

The 4th. Peel away the layers of the psychological onion, get down to the core of your being, the realm of your heroes and nightmares, this is the psychic bedrock. Home. Minoring in psychology and that process requires a safe haven; hence, you feel an elevated need for the privacy and security of the “nest.” Much of your psychic bedrock was profoundly influenced or scarred, by your childhood experiences. Many of your most fundamental challenges spin off the effects of a powerful parent upon your present character. Home is where you're coming from; its the core of your being.

With Uranus in Leo, the process of individuation for you is tied up with the Path of the Performer. You strengthen and clarify your own Uranian identity through cultivating and polishing your innate capacity for creative self-expression—and without that outlet, you're likely to clog up your life with unnecessary bombast and drama. Consciously chosen forays into the realm of performance, such as theater, music, athletic excellence, will purify your sense of self.  Uranus in 4^th. The issues are broader, not just home, but also your psychological “home base’—the innermost “Myth of Self.” Uranus's your Teacher here and the myth or archetype upon which our outer life must be founded is that of the Genius or the Revolutionary. But to achieve the expression of this brilliance you first must face some friction, something happened to you in your early life, something that antagonized the expression of your individuality. Find it and conquer it.

Pluto in the 5^th the realm of all that terrifies us so badly we need to hide from it. Death, Disease. Our personal shame, sexuality. Pluto asks us to face our own wounds. Then if we succeed, it offers us a way to create an unshakable sense of meaning in our lives. How? Methods vary according to the Signs and houses involved. The high Plutonian path invariably involves accepting some trans-personal purpose in your life. Pluto in Leo. Thus the shadow material you are called upon to face has to do with the dark side of the Performer archetype: an obsession with being noticed. In what part of your life or personal history have you chosen style over substance, glitz over moral excellence?

Venus” the Goddess of Love,” is the part of your circuitry that's concerned with releasing tension and maintaining harmony. Its focus is always peace, inwardly, and outwardly. Aesthetics, taste, sounds and forms, the perception of beauty soothes the human heart. Romantic instincts, your sense of courtesy or diplomacy sustaining your serenity in the face of life's onslaughts. In the 9^th House of Long Journeys. Your natural soul mates are people considerably different from yourself. Mind stretching experiences.

Saturn, Self-discipline, seeks excellence, pays the price of devotion. Saturn in Scorpio. The psychologically charged terrain of Scorpio offers a region of profound spiritual challenge for you. You must learn to steel yourself in the face of the Scorpions shadow side; obsessive self-analysis. Will yourself toward playfulness. Fortify yourself with concrete skills and strategies. In the 7^th house. Soul mates, lovers, deep friends, partners. Profound lessons in the intimacy department. To prepare for them, focus first on self-sufficiency, both materially and emotionally. Then seek out partners with Saturnian’s qualities; responsibility, sobriety, a willingness to make and keep deep vows.

South Node the past. North Node refers to our evolutionary future. Its a subtle point, but arguably the most important symbol in astrology. The North Node represents an alien state of consciousness, an unaccustomed set of circumstances. Open your heart and mind to them, put maximum tension on the deadening hold of the past.

South Node in Gemini. The Storyteller. Lifetimes spend sharpening the senses, honing your capacity for instantaneous reaction and adaptation. Lived by your wits have made you quick and fluid, hungry for fresh experience, eager to share ideas.

North Node in Sagittarius, the sign of the Gypsy. North Node can be seen as the most significant point in the entire chart, because it represents your evolutionary future…the ultimate reason you're alive, you must overcome your addiction to the sharpness of your own formidable intelligence, intentionally placing yourself in situations which you do not comprehend and to which you must therefore respond from your gut rather than from your head.

South Node in the 1^st you must act to counterbalance some of that focus on self-sufficiency. Concentrate on listening and learning, accepting the alien wisdom of our soul mates, weaving it into your own wisdom. Two moves are essential; one is finding partners whom you honestly respect and the second is letting them change you.

I am the Gypsy, the Scholar, the Philosopher, Sun in Sagittarius.

The Genius, the Truth-Sayers, the Exile, Moon in Aquarius

The Mask, The Naturalist, the Elf, The Silent One, the Ascendant, Taurus.

Alan Oken- Astrology

Mars unaspected. Especially Mars in Scorpio, unaspected Mars Scorpio in 6th. Mars in the second half of the 6th is very very obscure position for Mars and it makes it very difficult for you to activate your own power. First of all you have been traumatized by the abuse of power, there's a natural resistance you have about using power, so you may have a great deal of passive aggression in which you find yourself very disturbed and do not know quite how to deal with your anger or other peoples anger. Mars in  Scorpio in 6th unaspected could have given certain sexual difficulties. Finding yourself open to misdirected or the very least undirected sexual energies, it comes as no surprise to me that you mention violence and sexual abuse. That's probably the aspect I think of emotionally violence coming at you very strongly with Saturn, Pluto, Moon, but you are a survivor. You have Mars in Scorpio which is very good for surviving and Pluto trine Sun in 8th is excellent. The Mars in Scorpio ruler in the 12th house, you may find yourself having to deal with people who are no so kind and wondering how come there in your life, why are these secret enemies, who are these harmful people here. Difficult marriage. With Mars ruling your 7th house unaspected and Saturn square Moon, very abusive. However Pluto is also opposite Moon. Mars and Pluto rule the 7th house. Found yourself at an early age in a very abusive situation with men who abused power. But may have either died or disappeared in time because with Saturn is afflicted in your 7th house, the person would have done themselves in, very harmful to themselves. However you do have Pluto trine Sun, Mercury, once you have regenerated your life force into a more healthy expression, that alignment and Pluto is also trine Vulcan, as soon as the path of alignment of soul personality is more full anchored, clearly directed, the chance of being in another marriage, not necessarily with a piece of paper, relationship could be very positive for you. But there has to be within yourself certain growth that takes place. Venus 6th house to Saturn. The combination of Aquarius and Sagittarius is very independent even though your Venus rules the chart and love partnerships there is a streak of very strong independent activity there, not making it easy for you to be in a constant relationship in any normal marriage level. Sense is that there has been some very strong sexual trauma with this unaspected Mars in the 6th house. Integrate the Mars factor into your own life your sense of personal assertion, aggression, and expression is more clearly integrated. You don't have to function as the victim of other people's aggression and assertion, because you have your own energetic force field. I'm giving you a lot of tasks to do. Take up a martial arts, so you could energize your own martial energies and come in contact more clearly with owning Mars as your own. What takes place is with this Mars, it is defused out into society, this is why you will be very sensitive to people oppressed by war, people who are violently killed, people who are sexually abused, the whole Mars function being in the last part of a mutable house and unaspected in the chart is defused out. You have to own your own martial qualities, build an objective relationship to the force of Mars within yourself, and study the planet Mars astrological attributes. Do something martial, have sense of your own Mars with yourself, having a defused sexuality in yourself. You may be a very strongly sexual person with Mars in Scorpio, Sun Sagittarius in eighth trine Jupiter/ Pluto conjunct a lot of sexual energy available to you but it can be defused or at the very least find yourself involved with others peoples sexual projections at you, which would not have been particularly pleasant. So build up your own martial qualities, and that won't happen again.

Could you tell me a tad bit on the 2 T-squares, how to activate them for spiritual benefit? I love that question. Moon, Pluto/Jupiter, Saturn, combo, you really have to find a forum thru which you can teach, and thru teaching, sharing, create transformation and in order to find that forum; if you don't have the form for that, because of Taurus rising, Venus in Capricorn sextile Saturn, please get that form. Something that is your own. You avoid taking power in; you're so concerned with power abuse that you may avoid taking your own power. Find yourself being very manipulative, without it being very direct. You may dislike yourself having that quality, if you incorporate more of the sense of the First Ray, the will power but its also the will to do good. When conducted thru the focus of the lens of the soul then power is the power of love, and the power of love in your life has been very abusive, because it hasn't been the power of love, it hasn't been the power of love at all, especially people who are supposed to love us. Of course they don't love themselves either, so its hard for them to love anyone else. A lot of this can be changed by awareness, by consciousness. By the will to do good. 

The other T-square you have is a Venus, Neptune T-square, which is very  commonly found in the horoscopes of people who want to be part of the serving group who have a very strong altruistic serving attitude towards life. But its also in the horoscopes of people who have on a personality level a great deal of difficulty in personal, emotional, romantic lives because of the difficult time with knowing just how much to be involved with others, there is a tendency to be involved with other people who are not particularly dependable, there's a tendency to be with people who are living on the fringe; drugs, emotional problems, its very hard for you to know how much of yourself to sacrifice for other people. And its very difficult to know the degree of involvement because you may seek intimacy that is not available, it also gives a person, very strong artistically leanings in one form or another, and a great sensitivity to music, poetry, art. It is a combination that is frequently found in spiritual students, the underlining motivation for spiritual life is of service, and you defined your own power within that, that will come from some disciplined orientation on a mental level to heal you. Deal with your unconscious emotional responses and the projections of those responses in the circumstances around you and then feeding back to you so that the cycle of suffering continues. It has to be broken; it can be broken by coming in to life from a more energetic and impersonal or detached place.

Yod. The theme in your horoscope of Sun, Moon, Uranus and Venus I think that  theme comes out in other ways, other aspect patterns. At most there is light, contact between the Yod pattern with Moon, Sun double semi-sextile Venus, then double Yod inconjunct to Uranus theme, social ostracism, tremendous sociological idealism, the urge to change society, very rebellious nature, person whose is awkward in the status quo of life, a person who need to be a very strong individual but struggles with the process of individualization because of your attachment to the collective society is strong, as much as you rebel against it you are very attracted to it. You are attracted to it by the very opposition force of rebelling against it so you have to break that if you want to be free to really serve it. To get the message across. I believe that all of this mentioned is characterized, of this Sun, Moon, Venus and Uranus in your chart in other ways. But on the other hand all of this is slightly out of orb. The influence of these planets and combination of them comes out in your chart anyway.

27 degrees Sagittarius. Galactic Center. That's not very personal. If anything, it puts one in contact with the collective but there's a larger collective besides the sociological one, there is a galactic collective, and if you're after that center, then you have to reroute your travel. Move more into a frame of reference, which leads you to another sphere of consciousness. Life purpose. That is the life purpose, as I see it now, synthesize the path to the soul is synthesis. So you have to synthesis your experiences and move on. Oh I know its hard to abandon things, because you have this fixed Grand Cross, but I think you have to put certain activities on hold so you can get involved in other activities that lets you serve the activities that you want to be servicing from another perspective, because staying where you are is not going to resolve the karmic issues of life. Its time to put certain things on hold and then come back to them later. Once you've gone thru certain training. I mention to you about the sign Taurus and Vulcan, has a lot to do with life purpose. Life purpose is often more an energetic state then a physical thing to do because the physical things to do come from the consciousness. Look to work from the inside out, rather then from the outside in. You have to get to the bulls eye; you have the bull rising in your chart. Bulls eye is the eye that allows you to see beyond the form into the energies involved. Get that energetic training that's what is important here. You have to leave certain things behind in order to move forward, so when you come back to those things, the social issues will still be here, honey, I don't mean to be condescending. I'm seeking here to be supportive; those social issues will still be here. You have to get another kind of equipment. So that you can come back into it serving with the equipment that you have will not fully do the job. You need to get some training. On energetic levels so that you're not a prisoner of your own emotional response network.

How does one turn around harsh aspects, violence, sexual abuse and the rest of the tortures? The rest is in the soul. Read “The Hiding Place.” With all this shit there's bound to be a pony in they're somewhere, help me find that pony Alan. I have an expression, I say; when in a roomful of horse shit, find the horse. Get out of there. The horse is the path and we go to the soul which is a living vibrant entity and it is you. You are the soul. Horoscope- transformation of life takes place with discipline, higher knowledge that leads to the right use of will. That is quite a statement, you must stand by that. Your transformation you want; find the pony, you want to transform all that shit, transformation take place thru discipline, higher knowledge, which will lead you to the right use of will and redeem within yourself the vestiges of will power that has been abused towards you directly and around you collectively.

My friend let me take a look what's coming up for you in the near future.

I send you blessings, joy and love. And wish you well, deep within me. All the best to you dear, follow that galactic center. Bye bye.

Chart of your hand shows deep sincere questioning. It seems like you are going through allot of transformation. Quite difficult. You need all the help in the world and you deserve it. It is a gift from the Palmistry Center.

This chart will make it clear for you about what's going on. You are going through big transformations, inner change. Want to make your roots solid and find out exactly what you want to do in life. Its aspecting your house of career. My dear one, you are remolding your whole life in every aspect. The only problem is that the Moon, which represents the emotion, air feeling, is in the house of loss. That is why sometimes you will feel there is no more hope. You've walk into a long tunnel and its so dark, so black, its hard to see any hope in the future. Part of you has no more hope, and you go oh well. What is all that for? When we are very thirsty that's when water comes, that's were big transformation appears, because we really want it. If we don't suffer enough, we will not make that change. Its like pain somehow gives us a stench. Then we are ready to change. Or to make a new area in our life. You are exactly at that time. Its not the time to give up. Its not the time to kill yourself. But to understand, to go through the process of transformation. Its almost as if you want to describe yourself, I feel like I'm in a blender. Every molecule of yours is being shifted. Or its almost like sitting on an atomic bomb. We don't know when it can explode. Its passion. Its fire, its love, its integrity, it all good qualities you were born with. Sidereal and Western you are Taurus ascendant. Fixed sign, governed by Venus, earth sign. My teacher says ganshan, (spell?) when we are born with a fixed sign our life is born with a purpose. It means business, its intense, and its grounded. It wants to accomplish. It doesn't want to be confused or lost. Its very difficult for you feel the way you are right now because your ascendant is fixed. It wants to achieve. It wants to accomplish, to help. The first house represents our body, our looks. Its the King of the chart, its going to decide everything, we need to look after Venus which governs Taurus we are going to find out which purpose your are born for. What's the reason behind, having a Taurus rising which makes the body very beautiful, very charming, very loving, harmony, solidarity, something that makes sense. At the same time, you want unity, in whatever you want to work for. Its love of nature. No wonder you fight for the environment. Because you're whole body wants that kind of harmony that you want to accomplish inside yourself. Three houses very important. First body, Fifth the mind, Ninth the soul. It created the huge triangle, body, mind, and soul. Your soul house, Venus goes there. Your born for the 9th house this is very very good. Very important. It shows that you have a lot of goodness; you have a very generous good heart, sincere, loyal, good karma from past life. Also the 9th house is the soul. You're born now in this life to realize your soul facilities. That's not easy. I cannot say that to everyone when they talk with me, consult me. This is very spiritual, its like being a missionary in heart, and you are like a monk inside yourself. Venus in Capricorn is very solid, its insulated, and it doesn't trust everybody all the time. It chooses its own friends. Saturn related to Capricorn. To understand what kind of friends you're going to attract. Saturn is in the house of subconscious, 7th house. Saturn in Scorpio. That is creating difficulties in your seventh house. Saturn in Scorpio in the 7th, my dear one, Ella, love or marriage, not love but marriage house is very difficult, almost nonexistent for you. If you are married, or you did, or you want to be, don't think it will be your cup of tea, because you are going to attract wrong people, your going to be wronged and instead of having someone take care of you and respect you, its going to be fighting and arguing.

Right hand. This lifetime, the future, our resolution towards the past. In both hands you have what we call a short circuit. Difficult. That short circuit is connecting your lifeline, your headline, and your heart line. They all start at the same place. When the three major lines, the line of the subconscious are together its a lot of passion, imagine its like three of the biggest countries, USA, Russia, China but the three are together to start something. This is a lot of intensity, lot of passion, love, good will, and a lot of everything. Its almost as if you got such a fire in you. Fire is good, fire can heal, can cook, can bake but it can also burn. How to control that heat. You got a notion inside, the biggest mountain, the volcano but it cannot erupt, it cannot destroy, it can only heal. You are going to go deep inside, inward the deal with that, its almost like the light was too bright and we need to dim it, a little bit. That's what you need at this time. Dim it a little. The fire is good but its short-circuited. Its too much. People sometimes will not understand you. You will suffer from misunderstanding. For they find you too intense. Too passionate. Too much. Headline is very good. Left hand has a huge island and it going down. The island shows conduction and when it goes down, we lose all our inspiration and hope. Can I just find a little house somewhere in the woods. No phone. No nothing. I'm going to be there with my dog. That's it. Forget everybody. But you can't do that. The right hand- headline, no island. Still going down. Means driving. Just let my car go. I don't care where I'm driving anymore. Ella, such a girl, such a woman, that shows such a care. Such an intensity and now its driving down and down and down. You work very very hard. It shows in your first chadra. First line on top is the heart line, very beautiful, very passionate heart, but its just too intense, too much expectation, too much conditions, too much demand. People cannot satisfy you. The only one who can satisfy all our desires is god. Its the ultimate. Its our soul. Be perfectionist. Be strong but to yourself now, give yourself a little flexibility. Don't be so demanding even if we make mistakes. Saint is a sinner who never gives up. He's a sinner but he never gives up. One more time. This is a saint. You have a chart of a saint. But you need to resolve that inner frustration of yours. Be very careful. You're Mercury, little tiny finger, and Jupiter challenges. Communication far apart from the other fingers, too much apart. Makes us very independent, stubborn, and very strong. Jupiter challenges. Watch out. Friends who can lead you into trouble. 3 challenges. Means you're protected. You have divine light over your head. Protect you no matter what, but you need to watch for that.

I love your hand. I love that passion in you. You have a great chart. You can be a palmist. Lets heal our beautiful Ella. Find your soul my dear. My god you have the chart for that, but watch who you attract and who you fight for. Three major lines, heart, head and life start together it makes us too intense. We can make blind decisions. Based on emotional grounds. Then we don't see properly then we get hurt. You expect from a dog a meow, but it can only bark. It doesn't know how to meow. Never forget a dog is a dog. Cat is a cat. When this base is clear you are ok. Now you're grounding yourself, your making your roots deeper, stronger so finally it will be so strong and so good, that then no problem will come anymore. Or you will not see life the same way. The glass half full half empty. Mother Teresa, you can be like that. (Note from Ella. Unfortunately Mother Teresa was a con artist. Her bank accounts were packed as she claimed poverty. She was violently opposed to socialism but embraced every fascist that she could. Please read The Missionary Position by Christopher Hitchens. But get the point I'm like a true Mother Teresa or I prefer Saint Francis, the first Saint to have stigmata, and he so dearly loved the beloved animals.) Your Venus is not a fighter. Venus is powerful and it is about love; it is peace, harmony, tenderness, goodness, serenity, and loyalty perfection. Not fighting. If your fighting your going against your own nature. The ascendant shows your nature. Your nature is Venus. You're feeding yourself with Mars. With war, with fighting. Its good, we need to fight. We fight to be born, we fight with how many sperm, but we win. Heart line is good, its passionate. Too quick. Hard time trusting people. Beautiful head, psychologist headline, very artistic, very sensitive. Beautiful lifeline, very strong. Lifeline has been hard, because you live in a very independent way, very stubborn, very dramatic, drastic, intense; another part of you is very very sensitive. You have two extremes if you're so sensitive then donut fight. Or if you're a fighter don't be so sensitive, because no one will ever understanding you. Lifeline after 42, almost disappear. No more hope. So tired, no energy, so so tired, not so beautiful anymore.

You have pride and a good mind. You can learn almost anything, everything. You have a good skill of communication. You can attract a lot of people, friends. Lots of memories in you like a file cabinet walking around. A walking computer, resourceful, but at the same time, your exhausted. Don't let go, but you do need to change. If I'm driving a car, 5 speeds, now I'm changing gear. Do I need to go 5 speed again, can I maybe go 1 or 2 speed. You have a beautiful square of Jupiter. Writer ability. Communicate, it wants to teach, it wants to help, give knowledge to people. You got the most beautiful strong chakra on Jupiter. Which is different from charkas in the system. That gives a lot of knowledge and dignity, beautifully and also my dear; you have a chakra on the thumb, your will power. Whatever you want you can have. Make up your mind and that's it. I'm going to live for myself from now to the next year. 2000 I'm going to become a professional healer. Psychic ability.

Sun, Mercury in 8th house, Edgar Cayce had that, no wonder you want to develop this. (Another note from Ella. I do indeed have a few similarities to Edgar Cayce’s chart. We both have Par of Fortune in the Third house. We both have Jupiter in the Fifth house. Both with Saturn in the Seventh house. Both with Sun in the Eighth house. He has four planets in Pisces. I have no Pisces, but I have about 10 hits to Neptune making it the most aspected planet in my chart. Next most aspected planet Uranus, both psychic planets, which means I have more Pisces energy then Cayce.) You need to be in harmony, need to be in peace, in love and connected with your soul. When everybody goes to party and drinking you go meditate. You cannot be in Mars negativity anymore. Enough already. Enough, enough of negativity. It only makes you sick. Makes you want to throw up. Yuk. Just be good to yourself. You have the healing power you got it, you got healing stigmata to your hands. If you want that, it is where you should put your concentration. All your love to your heart, then the lifeline will develop. The line is there, its just not brilliant, not shinning. Because you don't have heart for that now. Your heart has been blocked, it doesn't trust anybody. You're by yourself, but don't play the game of self-pity. I know your life has been terrible. Horrible, but still, while you still have blood in your veins, your gonna fight to live, your going to fight to be a happy woman, your going to fight for your real abilities. Who will help a lot of people? You can be a great psychologist. You're supposed to be born and bring people to god. That's your real goal. You have a missionary zeal in you. We don't need to dress like Mother Teresa (Con artist!!!) or orange robes; give yourself a little bit of freedom. You fight for the wrong people, wrong causes, and your not totally satisfied. The causes are good, but your not satisfied with yourself inside. Destiny line, with line of work, mission and cause is almost at an end. 42. Now you need to put a lot of attention into developing a new line of destiny. That will be good. You'll feel more set. Now, think allot, a lot of changes, transformation. Use that writer ability. Write about your life. You want to help, your desire is good. Ok god I'm all yours and whatever you have planned for me, I'm going to try trusting. Next two years Saturn in Aries. Effecting whole world. Difficult times. Difficult for weak people. Very strong for strong-minded people. You have the choice. Want to be weak and follow everybody or do you want to belong to the King aspect, where you can be very strong. I know you are. Now is the time for you to become whomever you want. What you meditated on in the past, accomplish allot in past, the old yogi has to wake up again. This is the time for you, this is the time. Wake up. I need tools. I need disciplined, I need a coach. Then you'll be set. Take my hand and guide me to the right light. First question you asked. She's a light over my life what's the light, the light is god. The light is our soul. Our soul is the finest vibrations. The body vibrates on a very dense level, poor body we have no control over it. Its going to die some day. We wake up every morning, one day its beautiful, another day its got a pimple. We can't control it. It has mind of its own. The only thing we know for sure is its going to degrade. We can try to do as many lifts. Its not going change, body has to go one day. The mind thinks all the time, 24 hours a day. What kind of thinking is going on? The job of the mind is to connect or disconnect. Is it to connect to our soul or is it to disconnect. When it disconnect it connects to the emotions of the Moon, to our feeling, our sensation, our sentiment, romanticism, moods, emotions, feelings. We can love a life like that. Is that what my life is all about? Does it have a greater purpose? How about saving myself. How about saving my soul? How about doing what I want like saving a lot of people. You need to answer those questions. Am I thirsty enough now? Did I suffer enough? Do I want all that again and what is the result of that? Do I feel great? Did I already accomplish a lot? Because I fight a lot. What you are telling me, I want to even kill myself, because life was so hard. I now it was. That period of Saturn. Its going on till 2010. Is not there to destroy you. Because Saturn is the Lord of your 9th house. If you connect with your soul, your soul will give you every thing because 9th house is the house of good fortune. You have a lot of good fortune from past life. Its like you have an account at a Switzerland bank. If you connect things are going to be okay with money. You're going be ok with people, many careers, and feel great inside. You need to invest in that. That's the only way I see you being saved. If you live just to live like everybody you'll always feel awkward. Always feel like an ET walking on the street. You don't think like everybody, don't feel like everybody and its true. Accept that and do something about it. Then you'll see the difference. Irolite. 6 carrots; calm moods and feeling, balance. Aquamarine. 4 carrot, courage, stamina, intense passion, connected to Venus. More calm. But don't destroy the fire. Gold around the neck. Up to 2000 you can wear two gems at once. You have a lot of charisma, you have great Sun fingers. Sun is charming, its passion. You have a beautiful Sun line, with the line of success, you have two Sun lines. The sun give duality of thought. Should I do this or should I do that. Duality has to go now. You are a firm, dedicated, beautiful strong soul. You have been a warrior in the past, somebody who did a lot and you want to communicate with a different attitude. This you need to accept. Accept human behavior please, don't fight it, and don't try to understand too much. The heart is there to love. When the heart goes to the head, the heart tries to understand too much. But why are they like that. But why why why. Until we can come face to face with god, then maybe will have all the answers but until then many times we wont know the whys. The heart has to be more spontaneous, has to let go. Not ask all these questions. Relax a little bit more in your spine. Then you'll feel a lot better. The door is closed. Anyone, even if someone wanted to come into your life, you don't trust anyone, you're closed up. A lot of expectations. Say to a guy, if you want to come into my life, or anyone, you will, but I'm going to put you into a little cage and I'm going to check you out. If you donut behavior, or do this that way, the way I want, then its not going to work. We can't do that with people. Love is not logical. We cannot understand it, but we need to accept it. Imagine Jesus, his best friend Judas sold him for a couple of pennies. What do you think he did? He could have been the most destroyed man; he gave him his trust, love, everything he had, all his knowledge. He was totally betrayed. He didn't feel bad for himself, he felt bad for Judas.

Venus in 9th in Capricorn. Don't take it so seriously. Let it go. It doesn't belong to you anyway It belongs to your lessons you need to learn. Karma is teaching a lesson and the line will change. I want to see a branch off the heart going right up. Make me a heart line like that and you're going to be so happy. You're going to be that beautiful Venus girl. Make your lifeline bigger. You have a fork in the left line at the end. Immigration sign. Your destiny is from the middle of the palm; its a pioneer destiny. You want to do great things, its still in you, don't let that go, please. God loves you very much; you're born for your soul. Your soul is pure. Problem is you fight for the wrong things. Fight for your soul, with that you will fight every cause, possible, and impossible and then you'll be great. You have allot of talent, beauty, develop this psychic abilities. Beautiful mainline. Very strong in the past. My god, much stronger then on the right hand. Texture of the palm is very refined, so watch your diet. Watch meat, drink lot of water. Don't fight anymore; be at peace in your heart. You can be mad and upset from the head up. Not from the head down, your heart is too precious. The heart being so locked, you pressure to your own physical heart. But you're very healthy. Keep body in good shape. Your life is not just for you, your born for the impersonal, not the personal. But you need to adjust for both. You'll feel much better.

God bless you. You have a lot of good life to look forward to. Develop all your power, my god. Then you can help a lot of people. 3 years. Give yourself 3 years of training. 45-46. You'll be a different woman. But you need to pass that bridge. Put all love concerns aside for 3 years. Then you'll see the difference. Be nice and sweet. Continue your journey.

Vedic Astrology

Rising sign Aries. South Node in Taurus, Jupiter in Leo, Mars in Libra, Saturn in Scorpio, Mercury in Sagittarius, Venus in Capricorn, Moon in Aquarius.

Chakrapani Ullal

Mars aspects the Ascendant. Extremely powerful, independent thinking, courageous, sensitivity. Very powerful and strong, energetic, active dynamic, ambitious, enterprising, creative. Love of beauty, art, grace, inspiration, dynamic, warrior, freedom loving, highly emotional, gets angry, attracts disputes, love relationships. Highly philosophical, spiritual, can be good writer, teacher, communication, generous hearted, highly sympathetic, intelligent, working with facts, makes friends easily, when provoked will rise. Good in conversation. Guru planet of wisdom, aspects the rising sign. Associating with people of knowledge, good karma, good luck, spiritual; want to gain prominence, recognition is possible.

Sun Guru. Fantastic aspect, associated with contacts with famous, knowledgeable people.

Mercury Guru, Growth, education intellectual.

Moon Guru. Raga Yoga. Success accomplishment, progress, successful, gain, prominence, attention.

Sun Mercury conjunction. Cleverness, brilliant skills.

Saturn Rahu Scorpio conjunct, depression, complications, emotional or physical health, surgery.

Saturn Venus. Successful by using skill, intellect, writing, communication, colorful, artist, upsets in relationship, not favorable to you.

Mars and Venus. Very emotional, intense passion, desires, unhappiness in romance.

Saturn guru in Leo. Tendency to disappointment in domestic, romance

Saturn katu. Money problems beginning in 1985

Mars in the 7^th house. Strong desire for attachment, relationships, romance. Artistic skills, physical, dance, activities. Physical health attracted to love and relations but at same time wants freedom. Travel. Professional, successful, prominent, important, meeting imminent people. Great desire, open hearted woman, but can be too up front, impulsive, private, secretive, shyness, mysticism, and spiritualism. Tendency to express, professional, interested in many things. Work troubles.

2nd house. House of wealth, happiness. Ruled by Venus, situated in 10^th house, efficient, perfectionist, appreciated. People like her, successful. Strong desire for health, in healing. Traveling, wanting freedom, love romance. Comforts in life. Concern about money, happiness, and instability in love, romance.

Katu in 2^nd house Saturn Venus. Stress in that area, love, romance, relationships, and loss of money due to deception, frustration, attract financial liability, deep attraction to health issue and healing

3^rd house. Mercury in the 9^th. Enjoy improvement in fortune after the marriage. Sudden, unexpected good fortune. Energy of growth, ambition, changes.

4^th Moon in 11^th Resourceful ability to succeed. Luck with property, communication, convincing, and brings success. Concern, worry about family and home. Stomach complaints.

5^th Sun in 9^th house. GREAT, however, possible that if you have children one will be famous.

5^th GURU. The perfect children, the idealistic life. Questions about love and affection. Guru potential to bring wisdom understand, discrimination. Good advisor, teacher, influence people; develop good friendships, perfection's in all these areas. Difficult to find perfection. Successful writer. Can learn anything, clever mind

6^th Mercury 9^th. Misunderstanding with father. Interest in health.

7^th Venus in 10^th Love, traveling. Freedom thru travel.

7^th Mars. Indicates attracts disputes, arguments, conflicts in relationships. Feel free, comfortable; attract attention, friendships, and good indication association with intellectual man, spiritual life. Expectation not fulfilled, female problems. Strong attraction to different cultures, different backgrounds.

8^th Mars in 7^th Health complaints, digestion. Rahu Saturn brings you a sense of humiliation, female problems, and surgery

Saturn 8^th Good for longevity, burden, responsibility, works hard, things get better after struggle. Stomach problems, responsibly, duty, and close relationships with friends.

9^th Guru in 5^th Good luck with kids. Sun in the future, I will be successful.

Sun Mercury in 9^th. Spiritual. Desire gain prominence, successful thru knowledge, ambitiousness, wants, success, resists boss and being oppressed.

Mercury in 9^th Gain, learns, knowledge, wants property, metaphysics, theology, ambitious, potential for success.

10^th Saturn 8^th Not one job for long. Mystical activity. Would rather spend time on spirituality then work. Socially well connected. Socially well connected with successful people. Creative, artistic, comforts of home. Uncertain, fear of failure, I may not make it. Very dutiful, hard worker, truth oriented, loves nature. Countryside living culturally connected to the successful. Cleverness, successful.

11^th Saturn 8^th Careful with money. Marriage to different culture person, marry higher then her status. Potential, marry high. Powerful people, ability to succeed, cleverness, success.

12th Guru 5^th Children. Change of professional. Failure with love, romance, wants calm. Romantic tendencies. Business action, property matter, male partner will help become successful.

June 15 1991 Major cycle of Guru. The last phase not considered great. Struggle, frustration, changes, difficulties. Past year. Saturn brings the change, progress, luck, property, travel, and foreign countries 19912010. Saturn Dasa.

1010 2027 Very successful, writer, lecture, prominent. Like nobody's business.

2027 to 2034 Emotional and health problems.

2034- 54 Woman- very powerful.

                                                                                           The Tale of Ella.

Born a Sagittarius with Chiron a Centaur being the co-ruler of Sag; half horse, half human, an outsider, outcast, reject who becomes a Wounded Healer, warrior, mentor, teacher, magician, astrologer, musician, shaman who initiates healers and taught the art of prophecy; if Chiron is prominent, the carriers of this archetype are saviors. Chiron, noble and gentle lived among his kind; the Hebrew name for this constellation is Bezeh, the Despised One; the Centaurs were criminals of all levels; rapists, killers and ordinary thugs; drunkards, barbarian, uncouth, savage, vile, uncultured, untamed party animals with no conscience; Chiron’s task was to educate them into honorable and respected Warriors; Chiron being horse and man, taught his pupils to fight like an animal and think like a man. His apprentices were Herakles/Hercules, Achilles, Jason, Asclepius. I came with a thirst for Justice; dropped in on December 19 1955, 2:19 pm, Bergenfield, NJ: Day of the Hell Raisers (The Secret Language of Birthdays.) Astrological chart consists of a Galactic Hexagram Rigid Mirror Configuration, far more interesting then even the elusive Hexagram/the Star of David; 1 Galactic Triangulation; 1 Grand Cross; 1 Yod or the Finger of God with the apex planet Uranus, (rebel) opposite Midheaven Chiron in Aquarius (revolution) conjunct Venus my most elevated planet; 2 T-squares, 80 other aspects squares, trines, uncommon aspects: quintiles, septiles, and noviles (spiritual development, Dynamics of Aspect Analysis, New Perceptions in Astrology by Bil Tierney); most aspected planet Neptune, born Galactic Center or 26 degrees Sagittarius. I have a Simian Line; where head, heart and life line merge; a helper or a destroyer.

At age 5 my mom moved Chris, (renamed Terry) my brother and I to Mexico avoiding the Cuban missile crisis and to follow her dream to be an artist. Unfortunately it was to be the second wave of crisis for me; the first hurtle on the obstacle course in life had been my volatile father, swinging ice to fire; charming then mean, alluring distant, hot cold; we wanted his love, but it was hard to attain on a consistent basis, because whom can trust a two faced who turns back and forth, the Gemini at his worst. It was my brother who received the brunt of the his unrelenting caustic cruelness with the majority of it being psychological pathology; at times he had games he enjoyed: the Hand Game; he liked to make us stand at attention and he'd bring his hand directly aimed at our faces, and at the last moment he would divert his swing to brush his hair on his forehead; we would be flinching in terror over and over again; but he liked it real good; he enjoyed seeing us squirm. The Car Game were he would drive like a maniac, screeching, tailgating making us fear for our lives, I'd beg for my life; he loved that; left no marks physically, just carved up our brains, and nervous systems, a little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we thought death was immanent, no physical marks but the brain chemistry changed. He verbally dominated, broke my brothers toys or took them away, cheating in games to win, intimidate, whatever physical punishment went to Terry; he remembers being hit in the crib, I witnessed and remember hiding my brother in NJ a few times, everywhichway Terry turned John was ready to put him down; even as a child I found myself powerless to stop this oaf, who was a mild terrorist. I don't recall much, I was told I was running with a metal cup and I tripped on a broom, and the cup smashed into my eyebrow missing my eye, and I bravely took stitches without dropping a tear. Then my father told me when I was about 5, Gloria was at college, and John feed us fish whereupon I got a bone stuck in my gullet. All day, daddy, my throat hurt, daddy, daddy but he ignored me, he was busy. At night still wimping about my throat; he shoved bread down my throat. Still moaning in agony, he hit me to shut me up. He didn't want to hear; but guilt overtook and he brought  me to the hospital where the doctor stuck her hand down my throat and unclogged a 1 inch thick bone. The physical abuse aimed at my brother was not brutal, no broken bones and not often. It was the mental games that were relentless and insidious, a form of psychological warfare to crush him, year in and year out until my brother begged to go to a boarding school, and changed his name to Terry Lanze. Once after a misunderstanding, my father said he was going to kill my brother, even as terrified of John as I was, I at 5, step in between and announced like a lawyer pleading his case, (John told me this, for I don't recall.) I loved my father but became terrified of him as time passed and when he was in his charm mode we tried to sunbathe under the energy, savoring what we could; it was short lived, but we kept coming back; there was never any way to soothe him, we couldn't please him, we were powerless for no matter what we did to gain his love, it was not attainable for long because it would be crushed, the trust and safety was elusive, untrustworthy; being a father did not seem to be as important as the thousands of dollars and thousand of hours he spend with his junk and his cameras; what you value you spend time and money on; if only we had been born cameras; there was the feeling we were necessary burdens of the American dream, the kids, house, dog; my brother and I were part of a mirage of a family. We did the eggshell dance, walking ever so carefully around the psychological land mines. There were good times, picnics, plays, puppets, classical music, singing in the car when we traveled, tons of toys, comics, art events, other cultural endeavors all orchestrated by mom, but it was overshadowed by the intermittent dreading where the bully made us cringe and cower. My father regrets, but he does not know or fathom the extent of his narcissistic behavior had on us; my parents regret much, but too late, too little: impairment and damage done, but they ultimately were minor players in my drama; it was the outside world that undid me. Agony was to come visit me when I lived abroad as a white kid. Che Guevara descended into his awakening and politicalization when he went to Latin America on his motorcycle, but what I got was at an earlier tender age and witnessed more severe poverty in Africa and India. I want to  tell you that I do not have a corner on misery,  my life is a picnic compared to others I have known, this is just my  tale. My parents did the best with  the  problems they had in their own life, it unfortunately could have been more conscious and geared towards  my brothers  and my  welfare.  They  had their own  harshness in their past that blinded them. I certainly have friends with monster parents, my parents had their good side, it would be easier to hate them completely, but I love/hate  my parents. Being that my father is at the end of his life, living his last days in a nursing home, I was going through his belongings. Six days later with 14 hours a day, fingering every piece of paper, looking at all the styles of drawing, the inkblots, photos and half of his slides and negatives, looking at  each image.  It was a strange weary feeling going through 80 years of someone's life and seeing it dwindle  at the end. Great sadness washed over on the fifth day. I could not stop crying for the life that was, but could have been and now never will be. Sadness was mixed in seeing the family photos, my brother with a few of him after being scolded, then seeing all the smiles, but knowing the face of my brother reaching me through time; he had already been hit in the crib and his world, his two main lights that his world revolved around and survived on was not safe. I tried to imagine looking  through his big brown eyes to what he saw, what he felt. One  does what one can to  survive. Children are at the mercy of their parents. All throughout those recorded times forever on film, it looks like a normal family. Father had a very high IQ and prolific in creative waves, box's of ads he created, drawings showing his sheer brilliance beyond most illustrators and his photography in his earlier days was exceptional; well composed as good as any professional super star. Images in black and white of  New York and Europe during the early 50's.  He looked like a normal but gifted fellow, but only my brother and I speak what went on behind the veneer. Brilliant, clever, funny, handsome, but his private self was aggressive. Speaking of  secrets can bring harsh repercussions. It was  not  the worst childhood, but neither was it conductive to establishing a stable psychological foundation. My father in his later years recalls back to what he had done to us and he calls himself a monster who deserves no forgiveness.  When I saw all his works; a true genius but  mean, it leaves me confused, sad, frustrated. Such brilliance but why did he have to be nuts privately. Then it made me more depressed to read the letters he received. Apparently he admired, supported, helped, encouraged, praised, loved, gave his concern to a few individuals but never for me nor Terry. Supporting people in their careers, another with his photography.  I was bitter, he rarely if ever encouraged me, I don't think but twice he mentioned my photography.  I did not come up to his standard.  Nothing for his children, but all his love to strangers. He ruined me and my brother but surely had plenty to give to others. I recall a few years back he told me that he still had all the letters I had sent him throughout the years. He said I can see you really wanted my love, I just didn't want to give you any. Years later, I realized  I was lovable it was my fathers psycho pathology that made it seem I didn't deserve the air I breathed. When I see these people my father has loved, supported, lavishing them with kind words, he was capable all along but just not for me nor Terry. He told me it was my problem because I was jealous, of these people being showered with his scarcely, sparse love. I mentioned this to my male therapist. He said no  your father is a asshole. The clay parents were dissolving and the awareness that I had been gaslighted.  (Gaslighting is a form a psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which as they build up over time, makes the victim progressively anxious, confused and unable to trust their own memory and perception.)  The upheld image to the outside world was contrary to what Terry and I waded through; treacherous  waters in foreign lands. Nevertheless I seek the love of my parents, hope that there is peace in our small family, but that is expecting a miracle.  Dealing with people not in recovery is  hopeless.  

I am a calico, Italian, Jewish and Filipina; I look white. Being white in a third world country brought out the predators, like a bunch of barracudas feasting; I suffered sexual abuse for either being white or for being female or both; I was unattended and my mom said I got away because I was precocious; but who should have set the rules? I roamed the streets of Mexico alone; sometimes Terry was with me, but he remembers roaming alone too for hours, the majority of the time we were with Enedina Portilla, the maid, who was my other mother. In Xalapa at age 8 men on the street everywhere I went asked me for sex; Uno mas chicita, one more time little girl, give us some more, one more time, whispered prevalently. The initial attack, where blackness is all I recall, but suddenly I'm perpetrating on other kids; not I show you, you show me, but adult sex. My brother recalls the men bending me over and acting like they were having sex with me from behind, I was like a rag doll, floundering, squirming around laughing, squealing with a group of men. I have whole gaps of darkness. I took one girl older then me on these adventures, and she told her mother, and her mother threw me out shouting at me about being a whore. She never saved me by telling my mom. My mother claims that would not have happened since how would I know the word whore. But I lead a life she was not privy too, one of my first words in Spanish was puto and puta. (whore) So dah. That I remember. One psychic told me without my prompting, you were in Mexico at age 9 and yes you were raped.) I did not go to my parents for fear of my fathers wrath; I did not go to my mother because I saw she choose my father over protecting my brother and myself. I began a double life, street life and what I allowed her to see. We couldn't escape, we were children; I had nowhere to take my problems. I ordered my parents before I came to this incarnation. People carry the psychological deck they are dealt; my mom was conscientious in many ways; before her time on diet, art, (encouraging and including my brother and me in these pursuits) politics, no TV, a gypsy, she built her own mansion with her own hands but she had her own horrific childhood, nevertheless with the best intentions trauma transpired; naiveté left me in a country with predators; as I share, I can't soften it, neither will I lie. I rise from the ashes, the cinders: the burnt one, the dispossessed. Ella in the concrete jungle; I was crushed and pulverized each direction I faced.

I appreciated the traveling we did when my mom booted out John for one year, she took me and Terry on a wild ride; most of that was good; we went to Hawaii, Japan, (adore the place) Russia, Poland, England, Scotland, France, Italy, Spain, Canary Islands, Dominican Republic, (there a military action occurring, but we roamed the streets. Those were tours!! The stores were closed but all of the sudden a door opens and we snuck in, it was a little store with gifts and the man gave me a quarter of an inch silver key, which is on my alter.) He told me remember liberty, or something to that effect. Puerto Rico, Venezuela and back to John.

The school system was no haven for us either; kids are cruel regardless of color; in Mexico I was in fights; I didn't belong because of my skin, gavacha; a whitey. Once I was walking home from school alone, the kids said if I picked up a rat in the street, Id belong, I leaped for the rat as if it was my best friend; big Mexican snarling rat that took two hands to hold it up by its tail, I had him or her dangling there until the teeth sunk in and all I got was rabies shots, but no one claimed me. In the American school later on, I was unable to read, add, or do anything really good, unless it was art; in sports I was picked last, I was lousy, labeled slow, retarded. I belonged nowhere. In 1969 we went to Kenya where my skin was more apparent. More sexual violence with Kenyans and men from India, more shaming at school, but the fear of my father encouraged me to keep my grades up, since no amount of studying would matter because I retained little, I was forced to break and enter after school sometimes to get the tests and sometimes a kind girlfriend would take the test and give me the answers, she was a saint in my realm. I would copy most of them right, it would be suspicious if I were stupid in class and brilliant on a test. The shame of being stupid, the sexual abuses lead me into the haze of drugs. Men in Mexico, Kenya and USA distinctly tried to ruin me. My life was violated 18 times from strangers. Everywhere I looked, there they were; men, life became unbearable. I began to live for drugs, I enjoyed doing them, they became my life; drugs and rock and roll; nodding to the beat; just trying to survive another day. The joy I lived for; from high to high was what I longed for. I was an unraveling chaotic mess seeking drugs, smoking cancerettes, drinking, vandalism, lying, stealing, cheating, severe learning disabilities and attention deficit disorder and no boyfriends my age, a mild case of zits; envious of the girls who had smooth, silky, healthy, wholesome looking, unblemished, untainted, scarred faces; I always felt like a woodpecker got a hold of my face.

It was at age 16 in Kenya that I reverted back to trying to kill myself. I had tried while my mother and Terry were living in England. Earlier in Mexico (age11) I had to fight a girl in order to win her respect. It was how it was done. After I took her down and beat her in a horse stall, she submitted to me. I won. Months later, we went to Val’s house to ride horses, something I didn't know much about. She got on the mama horse and told me to get on the baby horse. She took off and the baby was in a frantic panic to catch up. I tried my best to hang on but I was sliding off, I was hanging on to the neck, my legs were around the neck and my back was facing the ground but I could not hang on any more. But I hung on; I knew the consequence if I let go. Gravity won as I released and the horse stomped on me as I felt the impact of the rocky road crush something. I could not move; I lay looking up at the sky. When my enemy realized I was not on the horse, she came back to have a laugh and enjoy gloating in her revenge. I acted dead, I would win out. She was circling around me in a panic, get up, get up. I through my searing pain had a smile on the inside; I would be victorious over her; I would own her forever and a day. She told me she would be mine forever if I kept this secret. I did but in Japan I injured my back again on monkey bars; still kept my word, but the monkey bar did me in ultimately; I was having a difficult time sitting, because the pain blinded my existence. It was in England that I was tortured. The English hate Americans and they exacted revenge by making me open the door to the classroom because if someone came or left the room, I had to get up to open the door. I had a donut pillow to sit on for the injured tail bone. I could not sit or get up without tremendous excruciating, piercing pain. But they wanted me to get up and sit down so they; students and teachers could laugh as I clasped, braced the table and pulled myself up slowly with a grimace and tears steaming down my face as the laugher rose like locusts, and settled down till the next performance. They laughed and laughed and laughed at my lamentable and deplorable agony, pain and misery; it was a grim situation over and over and over again, day in and day out, which eroded my grip on life. Thru my tears and pain, I saw the faces having a merry time and I knew I was alone and I was finished with life, all it had to offer was a world full of molesters and sadists at every turn. I could not get away from them. I had nowhere to hide, and I could not struggle to get up from the chair for the door one more time. It was then I decided to kill myself. I had enough of what life was; it was just bitterness that one had to gulp down, with a smile on ones face. I decided there was no god and there was no one to go to, and I was no longer in the mood to gulp or smile. If I threw myself in front of cars I thought that would do it. I didn't get hit although I tried 3 times. I was missed by a few inches as the drivers swerved to miss my little body; it got the drivers furious but I was fast on my 12 year old feet and made my get away. But at 16, the urge came back strong because I couldn't take the sexual attacks, the school and my father who could not bring himself to show me love. I wasn't inventive on how I was to die; I waited until my parents would go out and I would make my way to the kitchen, and stood with the knife on my wrist, wanting to cut, but I couldn't; I wanted to die, but I didn't want to feel the pain nor see the blood. I would stand there for an hour trying to get the courage to slit my wrists. Instead I went over on my bike to see my friend, Julie K, and she would put me in bed, play her guitar, play Moody Blues, get stoned and make me ice cream with her hand cranked ice cream maker. She is one of my dearest memories in the bleak unrelenting hole I was in. She was my oasis, but even she didn't know I wanted death more then I wanted to breath.

It a few teachers and a Liberian (Julie K’s mom) who showed me kindness and encouraged me to read. Although I could barely read someone gave me the platform of the Black Panther Party; I worked from word to word, sounding them out. I was 16 but read no better then an 8 year old, because my first language was English but quickly changed to Spanish. The Black Panther Party's rules and regulations appealed to me. Then the American Indian Movement gained the front pages of the Kenyan newspapers, when the warriors took over Wounded Knee in South Dakota. I liked what the Indians did. I was unaware of the genocide they endured, since I was brought up in Mexico. No Mexican textbook mentioned the genocide. Surely as a child I played Indians and Cowboys, but did not understand the real meaning, otherwise I would have known that my heroes killed cowboys. I came on late to the Native American plight of survival; at 16 when I went to see Soldier Blue; I had gone stoned out of my nut on some fine Kenyan marijuana, and I received the full impact of the genocide. Soldier Blue was about the shameful, disgraceful but ever typical cowardice of the white man and their works; the Sand Creek massacre. Seeing a baby being bayoneted and the bloodbath left me in a rage. It was then I decided to support the Native American cause for self-determination and reparations. About this time my destiny pushed me deeper into my life mission. I was whirling in my own misfortunes, and then the next step came. When a being is sexually abused, it assaults something so basic, a drive, a force, it gets twisted into something ugly, fearful, when originally it was the Goddesses gift to humanity, that's what pagans believe. To partake of sex was to commune with the Great Goddess. To eat the Fig was to eat her flesh and be one with the Goddess. Sex was a beautiful thing, freely given to anyone and everyone. (When God Was a Woman, by Merlin Stone.) It was the Christians who saw it as evil and a filthy duty only to be done to reproduce and not for pleasure. I read some sect of the Christian empire, made it law, no fun allowed, no moving hips, no kissing, and they had to do it thru a sheet between them with a hole in it. At one point if you were caught as a woman masturbating, you were lobotomized. Once sex as been trampled on by a rapist, or molester it is hard to tip toe pack to the pools of ecstasy. But it can be done; every once in a long while a good lover knows how to groove and yippee for them, and you hope for more to come along.

I had to go with my parents on a tour of India; I went at 16 to buy hash. Someone on the bus was buying it for me which compromised me and he sexually molested me, right there on the bus, under a blanket, he got his hand in my pants. I was horrified, petrified, frozen, seconds seemed to be hours, breathless from fright, I acted dead, I was gone, I was not home, go away, fuck off; if I had a gun I would be killing you and when you're dead Id spit on you. He got that I was an impermeable iceberg. I knew he couldn't do much damage on the bus, and I was never caught alone with him, except when he made his way over to my row, and did his invasion. I was ashamed, I was scared to tell my parents; dad was on board, so I suffered thru India. He thought he had me because he was the one looking for the hash for me, he didn't realize I would never have told my parents, I never did before. Once in Xalapa when a man at the post office showed me and Terry pornography, it was not I who went to mama, and my mom did good and hounded for justice, I had never gone to my folks and I was not about to begin. Maybe he thought the trade was to molest me, I smoked, I was a hippie, but I wasn't into free love, no I hated some men and fear the majority, the rest weren't into me. After buying camel poop for the second time, not able to do anything, because I was far down the line once I tried it out. With the last bit of money the molester and I went looking for hash as we went down dusty, dankly narrow corridors into the bowls of poverty, with dying people all over the place, but I was only interested in the high. When we got to the location, we squatted down on the dirt floor in a dim hut with nothing in it. Lit up, and it blasted me. And then the walk back to the hotel was a horror show; what before I could ignore was right unavoidably in my face; the starvation ripped into my heart, like a machete. I barely crawled back and lay down waiting for the high to pass. It was wonderfully intoxicating Charas (hash.) I didn't smoke anymore on the tour it was a bad environment to get high in; environment, environment, make sure you get high where its nice, otherwise its a slow slip into despair with seemingly uncontrollable drama. After getting thru too many airports, my best friend stole the hash, I'm sure, she was the only one to know where it was, or maybe it was the landlord. Most tragically, ha I didn't get to partake of Charas after all, all that trauma for absolutely nothing. Then we were making our way thru a sea of starvation and a 16-year-old girl came up to me asking for money. I saw she was a prostitute because she had a dangling thing off her ankle indicating that was how she survived and I was cognitive we were the same age, but I was blessed even within my own life, I wasn't on the streets having to service any man, and have to do it or die, no choice, forced into it. When I gave her money she was so overly delighted she made a big deal, she touched my feet. It was at that moment I sealed my destiny; I looked at her dark eyes with my hazel eyes full of tears, and I took my first vow. I was captured by her eyes; I vowed to her, even though we had different languages I said, I would be political till the day I died, a vow of service and poverty. I did not understand why a child like her would be forced into sex with men. Seeing such multitudes of starving people made me begin to question; what governments take care for their own, and it was then I became interested in Socialism and Communism when I saw some of the children fight over a egg shells and a banana peel that was thrown out the bus window, I was perplexed on how this was possible. How is it that anyone can let anyone else starve? And my brain began to develop in ways that but me at odds with the world. From that time on I began my service to the underdog and it overtook all interests; no other reason to be alive, therefore I worked against police brutality, animal rights, dolphins, whales, mountain lions, anti fascism, wildlife, redwoods, anti nuke, prison, gangs, Mae Brussell, Native American, a photojournalist, United Farm Workers, and many other issues-anything that needed to be done, there I was.

In Kenya mostly off campus older guys were interested in me. Craig a long haired, with a motorcycle seduced me with Crosby Stills, and Nash and Young lyrics, except I didn't know it was CSNY, I thought it was Craig's creation, with little drawings of flames and swirls, luring me in; we were out in Thika at my best friends house, when he forced me up a tall water tower; he pushed me up each rung, he had me trapped and was making me go up, I didn't want to seem uncool by gouging his eyes out, and he wouldn't take a no. Heights are a phobia of mine. Once I was on top of this tall, tall water tank where he had me in terror; every part of my being was shaking; seized with dread and panic; apparently he thought the moment romantic and kissed me, no tongue action; a dry peck, nothing memorable; I couldn't concentrated however because how was I going to make it down; died a thousand deaths on the way down. There were 2 times we meet with other people around, and there he was sleeping over with no adult supervision. He came to the window where I was sleeping, knock knock, guess whose here; I try unsuccessfully to ignore him and the knocking goes on, I don't want to go outside but I didn't want to look square; he was the only one to notice me; I was desperate for love but I was not ready for sex unless if I was coaxed; the art of seduction, gently squeeze in the right area, passionate kisses, hand or tongue action, something enticing, to leave one a little out of breath, and wanting more; like Otis Redding sang, “Try a little tenderness… you got to hold her, don't squeeze her, never leave her.” He insisted; its a nice night, Ill be a gentleman, I wont try anything, I give you my word. Sooooo I came to the window and said I'm tired, and a few other excuses; no come on out; he had a blanket waiting for our rendezvous and he sat down and immediately shoved my head down to his crotch. Alarmed I ran. He should have done a little kissing before the blow job; certainly not the best tactic for a first date; ease the dick into the picture gently, otherwise I go into fright mode instantaneously; only seen pricks in bad environments; dicks means danger, dicks means you can die if they aren't friendly, at least that is how I was at 16 with my first romantic encounter. Then Chris P broke my heart; the manner of approach was cruel, because I didn't give it to him the minute he demanded he told me he never wanted to see me again, and I said are you telling me to fuck off because I didn't want to put out until I was on the pill, yes fuck off. He found me years down the line, he had seen a movie on a survivor of sexual abuse, and he felt ashamed so he came out to see me from Florida, but it was too late, the damage had been laid in my psyche, but it was a nice gesture. I bypassed the sexual area until a Costa Rican on the Santa Cruz mall; not sure what to call what he did, I willingly went along but if I knew what was about to transpire, I would have bypassed him, wasn't even worth glancing over at; he claimed it was sex all 4 minutes of it, not one kiss, lick, not one feel, nothing but him and his dick in hand and no condom and then told me if I wanted to keep a lover, I would have to do better then that. The open wound progressively got worst when I discovered he told anyone who would listen that he popped my cherry. I went around saying, “no I think that was taken from me by a punk when I was 8 and this punk now was just another asshole in my life. Next at 18, Bobby a Native American heroin addict, Satanist; if I didn't want sex, he would put his arm across my chest or neck, jab his knee between my legs; this is how life was for women I thought, this was normal behavior for it was all I knew. Once I saw a feminist sign on a car, and I did a little hop and threw up my fist in agreement, and he told me he would give me a beating if I ever thought I had rights. He forbid me from turning off the radio at night so I was not able to sleep; I discovered Mae Brussell, a political researcher on the radio; she kept me company on Monday nights, it was total desolation without her; she was a beacon of hope for a better day and I clung on for when Mondays rolled around.

It was not until two decades into the movement I accepted the woman's cause. I was at the beginning a communist, and registered to vote as one. I had the party line; of after the revolution the girls could get their equal rights furthermore anyway it was a white woman's issue, it was only thru the working class and people of color that the revolution would come. It was only after a man held me captive on Seabright Avenue in Santa Cruz, as he told me how he was going to rape, butcher me up that I turned to witchcraft in 1978, which lead me to a class at Cabrillo College where I learned about Matriarchies; the first cause was when the hordes of males from Indo-European area came down on the gentle civilizations and massacred them. The patriarchy happened on all continents, where once there was peace and harmony it deviated and digressed to malevolent barbarism whose only goal in life was to subjugate brutishly and violently. The land became rivers of blood. 5000 years of blood letting. Then they landed in the Red Man's land and did and continue to do, what they do best: kill, rape, torture, plunder, enslave, steal and sprinkle their blankets with viruses. The Christians savagely ravaged and pillaged in the name of god, killing to save the Pagans souls, the Native Americans souls, the Vietnamese souls; had to kill the whole village to save them,” Kill them all and let god sort them out,” I thought that was originally unique to psycho marines, but it was Pope Innocent III when he ordered the Albigensian Crusades to purge South France of the Cathari Heretics in 1209. On July 22, on the Feast of Mary Magdalene the slaughter began. “Kill them all God will know his own,” and they killed a majority of Catholics- 20,000 were killed for protecting 250 Cathari. Some think the Cathari were keepers of the bloodline of Mary Magdalene. South France was her stronghold, towns had her name everywhere, legends, festivals, holidays, chapels, fountains, springs. Its about stealing land, resources and imposing supremacy of the patriarchal way of death. Now, my leanings are Eco-feminist; I believe in the rights of women and children to be free of men's brutality, sexual abuse, other abuses, and the protection of the environment that sustains all life. I will always be a socialist. I despise capitalism: watch Extra, Insider, Entertainment Tonight, to see all the debauchery, sloth, waste. What Paris Hilton and ilk are up to, what hotel they stay at for $50.000 a night, whoa, what million dollar purse, or who buys another billion dollar mansion. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24 All the rich swimming lavishly and luxuriously in money when the rest of humanity lives on a dollar a day. Eat the Rich. Who needs so much when so many have so little to hope on? I would rather live on less so all can have housing, education and free medical service. A world of greedy rich counting pennies, even Jesus didn't like the rich.

I built myself up into a frenzied hatred towards men, reading about raped babies in cribs, and molestation's, it got to the point that I could not figure out how to trust any man. Its not like you can tell if he ravages children or women. I hated, I wanted a virus to kill them all. I had long protracted fantasies of killing sprees, unfortunately there would not be enough time to kill every man; I didn't torture them, I put them out of their misery, like one would do a rabid dog; it had to be done, it was the humane thing to do. When my father came to visit from Kenya, he was not allowed to step into the house I was living in. I am heterosexual, but preferred to live with lesbians. My boyfriends were liars, cheats, rip-offs, rapists, child molesters, a serial killer, who when he was not with me he was sodomizing two year olds to death; after he killed them, he did a hip hop dance on their dead bodies. The serial killer lead me to begin a search for answers as I read everything I could find on serial killers, rapists, biology, hormones, and socialization of males, I wanted desperately to understand how a male can rape a baby to death as the baby is screaming for its life. How cans this happen? The definition of a psychopath is person who has no remorse, cold hearted, lack of empathy, compassion or concern, the Hannibal Lector slashes away at your side to eat your liver in front of you. Cannot relate to other peoples feelings at all, indeed, dead inside. I fell into a deep abyss of depression when I realized the way boys under the patriarchy are raised to have no feelings, to not cry, to be tough, play football, all the millions of little things and big things that mold boys began to show me that we had a nation of psychopaths in the making. Girl are victims of the patriarchy and tend to take it out on themselves, suicide, men take it out on the world, they are allowed to show anger. Girls are supposed to wait for men to protect us, but where are the good ones, and when you need one when your under attack they are not around, because predators wait for their prey to be solo. So having a man about doesn't mean protection, it can means another psycho that was a lover who turns out to be a stalker, rapist, batterer that you hope you don't run into in the community. Dogs are a woman's best friend; the more the better plus your emptying out the shelters of unwanted animals. They love unconditional. Do it, you will feel safe immediately. Land lords please allow women with dogs to live in your rentals. Charge a  $1000 security deposit for the creatures. PLEASE, have mercy on women, we need protection.  And then we can sleep at night with our trusted companion at our side. Men are not born killers; it is brought on by the patriarchal system that lust for death and subjugation of children, women, nature and men themselves.

At 19 I sterilized myself, so no more humans would be added on to the burden of the earth; I felt there were plenty of whites, no need for more. Warriors in battle have no time for children. Family life comes later on, once the warrior has secured the community. I wouldn't have time for children. It would be a long haul before the revolution was won and I couldn't take time away from saving the earth. Even environmentalist who have kids, their children will gobble up resources. Adopt. Millions of children wait for a chance at happiness. Two max, adopt the rest. The exception is Native Americans; they were genocided down to so few. Any child born must be top priority, otherwise misery; my capacity for happiness was crippled by harsh stupidity. I also feared I would not be a good parent, my fathers rage I knew was within me, and I feared I would destroy my child therefore I knew enough to abort as I knew I would bring ruin to my child, so I had an abortion at the same time I was sterilized.

I caused chaos in my school in Kenya. When I left Kenya, I was involved in politics in San Ramon with an underground newspaper and other muckraking activities. When I landed in Santa Cruz in 1974, I became involved in with Vietnam Veterans Against the War, Winter Soldier Organization, Legalizing marijuana, Native Americans; beginning with Dennis Banks, one of the founders of the American Indian Movement; the various times his life was threatened, there was a petition to save him, I made my home on the mall, gathering signatures to secure his freedom. Some waiters at the Cooper House restaurant gave me left over food at times to survive on.  And I grooved to Don McCaslin's band Warmth which was a main attraction in the old days. And that's how it went. Then Yvonne Wandrow, a Native, who killed in self-defense of her children but was going to be severely punished I stepped up to help, so I parked my ass on the mall for her. She killed a known child rapist, even though she had a leg in a cast, the man broken into her house, made a move towards her son, she shot him. She had the right to defend her child and other children. I would not let my sister do time for self-defense. I gave up celebrating thanksgiving. Later on I designed a Native American envelope with a huge dream catcher with a saying on the outside, Support Native American Resistance, The Web of Life, All My Relations. Defend Mother Earth, which I sent out over 2000, educating people. Collected food for the resistance down at Big Mountain. Lee Road when the Ohlone Indians took over a sacred burial ground. I was the only white female there. I was the runner; I helped dig trenches, refused to cook, learned about scopes, first aid, and slept amongst the other warriors on the hard cold ground with the rocks as our pillows, looking up at the dark night, hoping not to die in 1975. I was 19.

In 1991 I went back to college after I was assessed as learning disabled not retarded as I had been led by others and myself to believed. I took reading, writing, English classes. With the encouragement of Andre Neu my teacher and editor I became a photojournalist. His kindness made me realize I wasn't a total lost cause; I could make something out of my life after all.

In 1991 I supported the Shoshone Indians up at Nevada site; tragically I was exposed to fall-out from plutonium leading to an ongoing downward drop into oblivion of illness; leveled down to dust. With the last four years of my existence revolving around my bed. I am house bound, because I am unable to barely cope with any physical effort. As I was going down to hell I was still giving my last energy drops to the movement. When I collapsed, no one knew me, who came to the rescue and no one did, no one remembered me, I fell into total desolation, no one missed me; I had over valued my contribution to humanity. Stripped of my health, money, friends, lovers, mobility, life mission, community. Life brings nothing but grimness from the gate, nobody loved me, nothing ultimately mattered, friends come and go, lovers turn out to be psychos; just Karma with no way out; abandoned, forsaken even by god, if there is a god, she or he is not in the least concerned with petty traumas, longings; god's on vacation in another galaxy. Love wins out over evil, god wins in the end, but I not convinced. Megan's list shows the predators surrounding us, as the island of safety gets smaller and smaller. In Santa Cruz County there are 300 registered predators, the ones caught. I seek the highest mountain, bolted doors, attack dogs and a few guns.  In 1997, a hell within a hell; I found my best friend who shot herself in the head; and a so-called friend Christina fucked ApacheBoy. (Mark Twain when he was a teen met a girl for one day. He never got over her and searched for her the rest of his life. He wrote about her, he longed for her the rest of his days. All he did was hold her hand one sunny day.) This guy titillated me for 8 months; my sorrows had come to an end, the warrior finally arrived. How he was getting ready for me, he needed a little more 12 stepping, he called from jail once, I thought I got the one call allowed; that meant something; he told me he had a pierced cock and when I was drawing a bath for myself, he said he would like to be in the bathtub with me, he played his flute over the phone; in Indian culture that means its courtship time. It was mental seduction. This man stops you in your tracks; I would watch him from a distance and you would see heads turn to look; men and women; he commanded respect; the way he carried himself, rippled stomach muscles bulging out of his shirt, gorgeous sleeve tattoos throughout his tantalizing body, huge arms from working out in prison, long dark cascading hair, cowboy boots, Levis, looking fine, finger licking good. But looking fine and being fine are not the same; serial killers are nice looking too. He made me giddy, in the fuckable category, biting your hand to hold back the sounds of longing, he was beautiful to look upon and I waited for him all my life. He had a lodge, he was smart and he was fun to listen to, articulate, into psychology. I had to drag my salivating tongue in any time I was around him. He claimed to be hospicing the Chief of the Peyote church, an honor. All this flirting away my time lead to nothing, and I said, when are we going to do the wild thing, were adults, if you don't want to do it, and don't know how to tell a girl to fuck off, this is how its done, fuck off, I mean what are we doing here, are we going the next level? He said no misunderstanding. I had become a pest calling him. He was the one to call first, and he was the one who got the ball rolling, he jabbered on, I got hooked by all his fanciful I hope true stories, and once I had a taste I called weekly, he like to talk; him unloading for effect; what he was doing for 8 months with me I still don't know. Later I heard he had 3 lovers. All good illusion eventually crash and the devastation came. Christina told me I would never have been chosen because of my pigment, I would not due since his “uncle” wanted him marry a Indian, I was white, I didn't count, I didn't quality, nor did my existence apparently, he married him off to someone else. Judged by the skin not the deed. I understand the hatred; until there is serious reparations there will be no justice, therefore no peace. But I could have been married into the tribe. Then there was A for Asshole who claimed to be Native American and he told me if I wanted to make reparations, the getting sterilized was good, but to take it a step further by killing myself, that would make amends for White's crimes against Native Americans. Even as I was ill with only a few drops of energy left, he said give it all, then die, you owe it to me, you genocided my people. Anything he wanted, even sex, oral sex, you owe me, you genocided my people. Compulsive about having his dick sucked or he would follow me around; demanding, demanding. His manner of sex was like rape. Rough and nil effort whatsoever to even act like a lover. One time after one too many of these painful sessions, I threw him off my body once he was done. I said you are already dead in my eyes; your body has just not died yet. He ran downstairs to get some Indian powder and was saying I hurt the female, take this as reparations. I threw it down on the floor. He saw a picture of ApacheBoy on my alter, so he sat on my chest, he wanted to get everything out of me on ApacheBoy; he wanted to have the upper hand against him, he wanted to destroy him, he wanted to kill him he said. He sat on my chest shouting at me. I finally said, “One of ApacheBoy’s testicles hairs is more valuable to me then your whole existence, you will get nothing out of me to destroy him." I thought he would kill me, but at the time I was still in love with ApacheBoy even though he broke my heart, as if there was anything left of my heart to break after all the other fakes had a go at it. Was ApacheBoy using women to pass the time? Was he a pretty paper tiger with lots of pretty meaningless words that had no honor? Nice bodies fade in time. He was more devastating because I believed him because he gained my scarce and dwindling trust but he stomped on it; not even a good-bye. His image in my heart will die, crumble into dust. ApacheBoy’s favorite music is Santana, which now saddens me when I hear it. He mesmerized me, his totality permeates my dreams; I used to search for him throughout my dreamtime. He was my weakness, I regret the day I met him and I think of Mark Twain. When I became ill from what A for asshole brought me, he told me it was a good day for me to die. He threatened to kill me; with his gun he told me he was going down to the Santa Cruz mall to kill whites and other sheer madnesses. He raped a young girl, battered a pregnant woman and other women. If I opposed him, I would die, like ApacheBoy would die. He claimed he was killing ApacheBoy because he was in a black lodge. I went to ApacheBoy’s “uncle,” about A for asshole, who was from his lodge. I was shunned off with a hand gesture as if he was shaking off water as he was turning his back on me and walking away like a proud strutting peacock as I stood in disbelief; he really did feel Natives for Natives, or you can be my punching bag. A Native American friend with blond hair didn't tell the natives she was one, didn't have the fortitude she lasted half a year, I lasted 30 years but I won't go where I am not wanted. I can go work for my own peoples; the Filipinos. I'm a comrade, who spent the energy in my veins for the movement; respect me as I respect you; I don't do groveling. Strut around all you please, but strut away from me so I don't have to see you; join the other peacocks; you can strut around in circles admiring yourselves, I have a political work to do, so take your inflated ego games elsewhere.

I was an atheist and a communist, but in 78 I turned to witchcraft since I needed answers on why men were as they were. I searched everywhere for the elusive god. I went to over 300 psychics and mediums. Most where full of BS. I was forced to learn astrology; Moon square Saturn can only mean a certain theme. Its not like a psychic who can make drivel up as they go along. Most astrologers past 25 years experience with thousands of clients told me they never seen a chart like mine. Chakrapani Ullal, a world-renowned Vedic Astrologer did an accurate reading for me. If I survived 1997 and the Saturn Dasa “I would become world famous, like nobody's business.” I wasn't sure about the predictions but I heard he was going to be at an astrology conference in Monterey. I went to see what other astrologers thought about his accuracy. Everyone said what he says does come true. On a trade, photography for the entrance fee I went for a few days. I milled around with hundreds of astrologers. I slept on the floor in someone's hotel room, for food I waited for the nighttime parties and I stuffed my face, and that is how it went. I was stuffing my face with white covered chocolate strawberries when I spied an older man. With my mouth full, my eyes roving for answers I asked the gentleman if he was an astrologer. Yes, he was an astrologers astrologer, meaning he was a teacher's teacher. He was an elder. I asked could I pick his brains. Yea. I rattled off my chart, as I was stuffing more strawberries in. He said, it was not possible; I was an amateur and misunderstood. I may not know what it means but I do have the chart memorized. At his prompting I explained my chart again. He told me again, he was a teacher's teacher, and most astrologers under 30 years of practice would be unable to read my chart. I was a savior. It was very stupendously rare. He wanted a print out of my chart. The next night I was looking for food at another party. I was sitting alone with my camera on my lap smiling away, I didn't know anyone, but I smiled on. An older woman said, “You do photography because you are scared of people and you hide behind your camera but are still part of the action.” I said, your right. You're a psychic but are you an astrologer? She was an astrologer's astrologer, another teacher of astrologers. My luck. I asked if I could run my chart past her. Sure why not. I had the print out; she looked for a few minutes and said most people will not be able to read this chart, it was very complex. You are a savior. My head was swimming, I thought of the elder the night before, I wondered if there was a conspiracy, but what was the likely chance they talked amongst the hundreds of astrologers. She said watch this. She swirled around the room looking for someone as I followed her sheepishly and she eyed a guy surrounded by women down some stairs, he was on the sunken floor with white rugs, I said, no not him as I grab her arm. The day before I was wandering thru the booths of the merchants, I was asking for help on my chart. Most waved me on, but this fool shamed me, “what do you think I'm here for, I don't do free stuff.” I was not about to approach him a second time. The woman ignored my whining, drops the chart in his lap and said read it. I was hiding behind her. He looks at it. In a few minutes she rips it from his hands, and says for all to hear, see this one is an amateur, so lets continue to look around. I trailed behind her as she scanned the room for more people. I point to Carolyn Casey in conversation on the deck. The elder said oh yes. I said she's in the middle of her thing, don't interrupt her. She responded, are you kidding, an astrologer waits a lifetime to see a chart like this. We stroll over, drops the chart, Casey picks it up, stops her conversation, backs up her chair, stands up and says wow whose is this chart? Unfortunately we were being ushered out of the room, since it was 2 am. All I got to hear was Amazon, power, feminine, champion and I was left with my mind in turmoil, wanting to know more. I was on a mission. I went to Erin Sullivan lecture and in the audience there was a palmist who liked to look at celebrity palms to see how they corresponded to their chart. Erin was not interested so I said from the audience would you like to see mine? She looked at me like I was scum. I asked a second time. Nope. As the palmist was leaving, I rushed up and crossed her path. Look! I shoved my hands in her face. For one second she was scared but as soon as her eyes focused, she grabbed both my hands and said, oh my god you are the savior, you are the savior. You could heal or you could destroy, choose wisely. She wanted to give me a reading, but I said no. One Vedic palmist from the Canadian palmist school said my hand print meant stigmata. In 2001 a medium called Sharon Tenney told me Uncle David fell to his death from an apartment window, Grandpa Juan Bautista who played cards, (a gambler) rode the trains and my best friend Stacey came to assure me she was sorry I was the one to find her with her head shot and that I had tremendous healing powers in my hands.

I was brought to my knees with this illness to I face my destiny; I was terrified of the judgment of the political movement but now I see there was no one to worry about; I'm free. In the early 80’s I was training with a medium called Afton Stubbs and after a while of weekly training I began to hear dead people. In 2005 at the 111 year conference of spiritualist in San Francisco, I learned one can have 1 channel open; hear psychically; the more channels open, the more gifted one is. Once you have it, its a matter of reopening, which was a great relief to hear, because I worried that maybe it was an astrological transit that allowed me to hear the dead, but I discovered it is my nature; in the past I could see, hear, smell, feel psychically; I had more then most. On the final exam in Afton’s class each student was to get up on stage and do a reading for someone in the audience. All the years in the trenches I avoided public speaking, too much damage from school and worldly events that came upon me, crushing my being, leaving me petrified, mortified, PHOBIC wouldn't even try, it was impossibility but I had to get up there. I was shaking in my chones, (underwear). I desperately looked for someone, I felt catastrophe engulfing me. I saw Pat a macho boy. He was sleeping with R. He was not interested in psychic stuff; he only hung around desperately hoping to get sex from R. He always had some trauma going on, rattlesnake bite twice, an owl on Highway 17 flew thru his truck; logically if anyone has something in their aura, he would be the one. I waved him up to the stage. Quaking in terror with all eyes on me, I close my eyes, and breath. Calm down, I reassure myself, just do what you have been studying for the last year. I lay him down. I begin to slowly run my hands up and down his aura. I say what I see; I'm somewhere, I see a green lawn, there are a few people around. Its a sunny day, buildings, a park; its a moving shimmering hologram I'm in, I'm fully there. I see a football coming towards me, I rush to grasp it, as I'm jumping up to catch the ball, I come in contact with an open window of a building and I make contact with my head and as I am passing out from the pain, instantaneously I am all of the sudden back on stage and Pat has jumped up accusing me of trying to push this psychic stuff on him; how could I lie like this? It was exactly what happened to him the week before. Going into holographic realities scared me.

 Once a man called my number, but he was looking for my tenant. He did not have my number but somehow “coincidentally” dialed mine. Afton said no coincidences. I took it as an omen, therefore I was obligated to ask, see, and understand what was going on in his life. I tell him, I'm psychic in training, humor me, lets play a game; are you involved in anything that could kill you in the next month? No. I said any nasty girlfriends? No. Driving like a maniac? No. Drugs? No, sober for years. Well I said I need to get at you this weekend to do the Tarot cards; to see what is coming towards you. No doubt he thought I was nuts; probably agreed thinking maybe he's get sex. I call when he didn't show up in Felton's Henry Cowell park; I tell his houseman I had an appointment, its urgent; it might be a matter of life or death. I call again the next day, “I am trying to help this guy; its a matter of life and death.” The house mate said, well if you put it that way, he died on Friday; there was danger heading his way when a friend came into town and offered him heroin. I went to his funeral.

I was working at Harmony Foods in Santa Cruz, I was working at a food machine, when all of the sudden I went into one of those holograms and I was told the fellow next to me would die of a brain tumor if I didn't intervene. I thought bullshit, nope, none of my business; I was not about to make a fool of myself. I did not say one tiny word, and went about my business. His name was Billy, a big Native American. A week later when I was continuing to mind my own business, Billy's friend came over and said did you know Billy has a brain tumor and is approaching death. Maybe I read Billy's thoughts, not sure where the words in the hologram came from. The tumor was crushing any sense out of him; he kidnapped me, he threatened to kill my father and he cornered me with a long steel pipe; said he would beat me to a pulp as he was pounding it into his open fist. At the time I was 4’11, 100 pounds. I stood there knowing he was going to kill me as he was towering over me and had me pinned in a corner. I stood there and wait and wait as he shouted that he'd to snuff out my life force. I was in such a state of terror that my ovaries ached as I shook. I found out he enjoyed a habit of beating people half to death. I was leaving so he took the phone cord and wrapped it around his neck and tried to kill himself. I was all over him on the bed trying to wrestle him and over power a man of 200 pounds of solid flesh. He was crying and begging but I could not help, I was out of my league. I could only die.  I was not getting any spiritual guidance. I had become lovers with him; back then, I slept with boys who showed me any attention; the tiniest attention got the guy sex, I wanted to belong so badly; someone please love me; but only one was worth stripping down for; all others are bad memories. I had one boyfriend who when we were having sex, insisted on rubbing my closed eyeballs!!! I wanted to slap his hand away, but he had to have it like that. I kept notes; these guys were profuse, I needed to remember. With Billy I let go and fled for my life. The brain tumor killed him. I feared the political community judgment of the occult since this stuff ruins reputations. It was bad enough I had a past full of drama that people would judge me for; saddled down with severe and chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, phobias, fear of the world, reenacting childhood thru finding abusive situations. I keep all psychic happening in a Shadow book.

I have been attacked by giraffe, water buffalo twice, rat, scorpion, spiting cobra, African Red Ants, put my foot out for a crocodile cause I was told they are the slowest on land. (A lie, they can rip you right into the water where they will leave you till your tender, like they like it.) Poisoned 10 times; drank mercury on a dare, DDT twice (Kenya), plutonium, (Nevada) photography chemicals; a few gallons on a fast; when meditating I heard, “you are poisoning yourself.” I thought how could that be, I'm on water and herbs. Sure they taste nasty; maybe its in the Chinese tea, a contaminant. Back to meditation. “You're poisoning yourself.” So to shut down the poison mantra, after a few days of this racket I decide enough. Herbs, sniff sniff seems ok. Taste the water, keeled over it was pure chemicals; dad reused drinking jars to store chemicals and put it by the drinking jars and I drank chemicals for days thinking it was exceptionally foul but good Chinese teas.

I did not understand the full extent of the psychological damage myself until I went to Don Davis, a psychiatrist who specialized in severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had heard of him thru the 12 step program for years. He took the worst of the worst; mostly Vietnam veterans, and ritual abuse survivors. I asked him if I was being a little over dramatic, crying over nothing as my parents kept insisting for years. He said my parents were full of shit and were not professionals and to not listen to them. He would take me on as a client. He said most people would not know or understand the extent of my damage; to get up each morning was a victory, I needed to concentrate on healing my past only and at some point I might be medicated as I descended into hell in order to assimilate; maybe locked up for my security. The lawyer I was working with wanted me to get my psychological evaluation from social security office, and bring it to him. I read it and it collapsed me. If I hadn't been down town, I would have shot myself. To see all the damage mirrored back by a professional undid me. Now I am glad I saw it, I have a name for the pain. I only allow professional to advise me. When my lawyer took my case to the administrative judge, she said do not bother her, she will get her Social Security Insurance. At one point I ran out of therapy sessions, and I tried to get the county's help, they sent me a reject letter, but I had sent them a letter with all my woes, I received a call within a day, and they wanted to see me that day, there was a misunderstanding because I sounded normal, but I qualified. My mom insisting if I think positive/forgive I will heal. I cringe at this simpleton advise on sexual abuse which I ignore as best as I can, but it is a Herculean chore when poked over and over again, relentlessly throughout the year; she quotes Albert Ellis; his advise to a woman who was ritually abused; she was tortured and killed animals. Ellis said, “If I were abused as a child and forced to torture and abuse others, I would still unconditionally accept myself and my family members who tortured me.” I asked my county counselor who has 30 years experience working in prisons, and mental hospitals what he thought of this. He rolled his eyes at the drivel and idiocy. When my mom read my letter to Ellis about 2 of my worst experiences, one of which was escaping a group of Africans and Indians half the night as I ran around lake Navasha in Kenya; he said, the least you do for your daughter the better, let her crash. These life experiences are what created me; its not all puppies and kitties, flowers and sunny days; it is child molesters, dispersed between picnics and then there are more rape attempts; my capacity to thrive was crippled; I cannot make it nice by hiding my life for fear of offending. My current struggle is I have hyperthyroid with adrenal collapse; I lost 90% of my life force; Dr Shames told me not to even bother having sex, but because my mother is so prolific in her projects she's like a baby chick with its beak open; working me a little here and there; I resist but she smashes boundaries and my No's, she feels entitled and offended as if she's the victim if I refuse to help and eviction always loomed; loving my parents has been trying, I only have love for my brother, I live for my dog and my cat. There is nothing else left.

I was a media coordinator; television, newspapers, magazines and radio to cover events, wrote stories, documented gang summits, trained youth for a newsletter, I have an AA in graphic arts, and a Certificate of Proficiency in Journalism with Honors, 20 years experience in photography, worked on the Cabrillo Voice newspaper for two years. My photographs have been published in 5 books, Sojourners, The Progressive, Z magazine, In These Times, San Jose Mercury, Third Force, Peoples Tribune, The Good Times, Fellowship, The Real World Press, Metro, Black Issues in Higher Education, El Andar, Biracial Child, Interface Magazine, The Monthly Planet, La Gazette, Access, Porter Gulch Review, Barrios Warrior. My opinions were published in “The Absentee American. Repatriates’ Perspectives on America and Its Place in the Contemporary World by Carolyn D. Smith. Received the Finalist Certificate of Excellence, from photographers Forum Magazine. I photographed; Ice-T, Ice-Cube, Santana, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne, Third World, Ziggy Marley, Steel Pulse, Maxi Priest, Aswad, Andrew Tosh, Lucky Dube, Shinehead, Disposal Heroes of Hiphoprisy, Hammer, KRS-1, Faith Nolen, David Crosby, Buffy Sainte Marie, Lighter Shade of Brown, Public Enemy, John Trudell, Floyd “Redcrow” Westerman, Dan Hanley, Ry Cooder, John Lee Hooker, Albert Collins, Snoop Doggy Dogg and others.

My daughters a feline fuzzy ball called Tara and Che, my dog a GermanShepard and Rhodesian Ridgeback; they are my best friends. I love animals and nature. I traveled to 24 countries; favorites were Japan and Cuba. Interests; Politics, keeping healthy, (eat organic, its good for the land, the workers, and yourself so support Farmers Markets) embroidery, drawings, astrology, tarot, dreams, occult, marital arts, Flamenco  and I love movies, reading and listening to  KKUP, KFPA  and Pacifica radio.

My heroes are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. These people influenced me beginning with my first hero, Jerzy Kosinski, at 11 stumbled thru the “The Painted Bird,” the 16-year-old prostitute in India, the ones who burned themselves in Vietnam to end US imperialism, John Lennon, Eve C, Black Panther Party, American Indian Movement, Eugene Smith, Vernon and Florence Fox, Robert Jay Lipton, Bob Liroff, Holly Near, Karl Marx, Mae Brussell, Dolores Huerta, Joe Hill, International Workers of the World. (IWW), Mike Zaharakis, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Fred Hampton, Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, Che Guevara, Fidel Castro, Cubans, Z Budapest, Starhawk, Mary Daly, Andrea Dworkin, Helen Caldicott, Danny Sheehan, Salvador Allende, Orlando Letelier, General Rene Schneider, Archbishop Oscar Romero, Martin Sheen, Bobby Sands, Steve Biko, Nelson Mandela, Edgar Cayce, Anna Mae Pictou Aquash, Ward Churchill, George Jackson, Stanley Tookie Williams, John Stockwell, Phil Agee, Joy Delara, Whoppie Goldberg. The Beatles, King Crimson, Joan Baez, Jethro Tull, Cat Sevens, James Taylor, Moody Blues, Elton John, David Bowie, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, Utah Phillips, Pete Seeger, Phil Ochs, Victor Jara, Bill Miller, Leonard Cohen, Michael Farenti, Alice de Michele, Tracy Chapman, Tina Turner, John Trudell, Buffy Sainte Marie, Bonnie Raitt, Bruce Cockburn, Jackson Browne, James Brown, Santana, Tupac Shakur, Paris, Marvin Gay, Crosby Stills, Nash and Young, Jimi Hendrix, the Doors, Janis Joplin, Don Hanley, Joanne Rand, Eric Clapton, Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, Sting, Lauryn Hill, Peter Gabriel, Sinead O’connor, Bruce Sprinsteen, Jim Page, Ani Difranco.  Fighters of fascism; Anne Frank, Dave Emory, John Loftus, Martin Lee, Charles Higham, Christopher Simpson, Gary Webb, Michael Levine, Leonard G. Horowitz, Abraham Lincoln Brigade and the International Brigade. Brian Keith Vaughn, Harry Belafonte, Danny Glover, Howard Zinn, Michael Parenti, Ed Asner, Meryl Streep, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Viggo Mortensen, Gore Vidal, Robert Redford, Pierce Brosnan, Michael Mead, Batina Abteker, Bob Debolt, Maricela Cedano, Xochitl and Saint, Subcommandante Marcos, The Zapatistas, Hugo Chavez, (Venezuela) Luiz Inacio Lula de Silva, (Brazil) Nestor Kirchner, (Argentina) Tabore Vazquez (Uruguay) Evo Bachelet (Chile)Alan Garcia (Peru) Oscar Arias (Costa Rica) Daniel Ortega (Nicaragua) FMLN. Bruce Lee, Brian Willson, Joan of Arc, Stacey Racca, Crystal, Alice Walker, Merlin Stone, Ann Simonton, Elaine Charkowski, Crysta, Tori Amos, Teri Hatcher, Angela Shelton, Staci Hines, Ellen Bass, Laura Davies, Riane Eisler, Judith L. Herman MD, Alice Miller, James Hillman, Francine Shapiro PhD, Pia Meldoy, John Bradshaw, Arnold Mindell, Neil Douglas Klotz, Margaret Starbird, Barbara Walker, Caroline W. Casey, Andrew Harvey, Steven McFadden, Judy Bari, David Brower, Gaila Eisnitz, Jeffrey Masson, Cynthia Moss, Rachel Carson, Rachel Core, The Shadow Wolves, Native Americans who track down drug and human traffickers, David Gypsy Chain, Paul Watson, Sea Shepherds, Earth First! Earth Liberation Front, and the Animal Liberation Front and so many more; whoever stretches past their own concerns and stands up for what is right; put away the trappings of escapism, entertainment, titillating numbness to take power, through the ballot, if they take the ballot away through protest and hope it never comes down to the bullet. What is more vital then the web of life that allows us our lives? What is it about our species that we have a compulsion to destroy the nest for the 30 million other species?  We are the 7^th generation. We must bring about a revolution, a change of hearts.

Our future depends on it.

Unite, rise up, defend.

Let the Warriors step forward.